So the Mountain Man and I were faced with the very, very, very worst thing that can happen to people over 40...okay, okay, maybe over 50....(Fine..Close friends....Screw you and your knowledge of our true ages....) possibly closer to 60 than 50...(Spoiler Alert: Only one of us is closer to sixty.....And it isn't me! )
Any way... the time for change had come at mysuestories manor....We had broken out our dear old friend, lappy toppy, and the Mountain Man decided to book us a vacation to celebrate his, ahem...closer to sixty than fifty birthday.
Days of crawling the internetz.. Vicious, shall I say discussions occurred on the place of celebration. Finally, it was decided (and may I just add...NOT BY ME)...on a destination.....
So, travel agents were engaged...arrangements were put in place......payments were, well, paid. And that's all I have to say about that (Jenai!)...
The moment of truth arrived and the Mountain Man said, "Hey, mysuestories" (cuz that's what he calls me.. really, I swear....I consider it a title....like Queen Elizabeth probably answers to "Queenie" in the comfort of her HUGE castle..... I answer to my title. Which should probably be "MYSUESTORIES; Queen of all of the land in which we inhabit"....
Okay...so back to our moment of truth......the Mountain Man says (please forgive me dear reader, but my life is nothing if not repetitious: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.) "Hey, mysuestories, print out the receipts and itinerary for the vacation site that I asked you to pick and then ignored your numerous choices to". Well, at least that's what I heard.
So being the good little wifey (and the most computer-abled body in our household ---hey, Mountain Man, you may pick the destination, but there will be consequences....firstly..that I out your technological skillz to all of our friends, family, and the entire mysuestories reading public ...Yep! All 3 of you!) So, I hit the print button - so far so good- and then waited...and waited ...and waited for our printer to produce something....Something, that is, other than exorbitant ink replacement charges and fees.
Well, turns out good old Petey the Printer was on his last leg...which was weird, because anyone with a printer should know they don't have appendages... But if our printer did have lifelike qualities? Well let's just say it was time to visit Dr. Kervorkian...
Now, I know it was a rather sudden, painless(I hope) demise..but mysuestories manor was now in a predicament...Just how long does one wait until you replace a beloved technological family member?
Turns out? Two weeks of hand feeding paper to rollers that will not, for lack of a better phrase -suck the paper in and print nothing- is the appropriate printer mourning time in our household......(Lappy top- you should take note....just sayin')
So we went to the Replace Your Dear Old Printer store (read: Cosco---what can I say? It was a great deal...or was it?) and brought home our BIGGEST fear.... A new technological device.......
Be still my heart...
Like our parents before us with a new (gasp) VCR that will never ever read a time other than the blinking 12:00.....(eventually? they put black tape over the numerals..I thought they were Cave people, but never actually fixed it for them.....(sorry, our father who art not in Heaven) We forged forward with dreaded fear of having to disconnect one wireless printer and hook up another.....___
Side bar, please....if it's all wireless, why did we have to connect it to lappy and the household internetz with...well, wires?
Two hours and many snarky remarks later by both the Mountain Man and mysuestories... and the moment of truth arrived. We downloaded, we synced, we even tried to speak to a printer professional by of all things: tech support on line......That was not so successful as I couldn't figure out how to actually answer the hopefully automated tech's questions because I, mysuestories, am a technological dinosaur.....Yes...that's me...the newly discovered Sue-Rex... which in my youth could have been mislabeled (I dare say) as Sue's Wrecked...
But I digress....Again...You know..the whole repetition thing....
Any who....eventually..after hours of telling the Mountain Man how much I ...let's just say....cannot stand things that begin with the letters: Internet and Wireless and any other new technological change...
Eventually? I hit Print...and guess what? IT ACTUALLY PRINTED....Go Figure..
We, the pre-historically disabled Mountain Man and his well matched mate...ME (mysuestories) were actually able to disconnect old Petey and purchase, connect, and print something from Lappy and...wait for it...and print something from my phone...Did you, constant reader even know that could be done? Me neither.
So, in light of our new interntz savviness..(?) We are withdrawing out application to take in a foreign exchange student from a more technologically advanced country (why, no, I did not mention asian..Why do you ask?)
Just as well. Now I have to go and cover up that little blue internetz symbol on the printer with black tape.. Hey...it's a family tradition, afterall.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Sunday, December 30, 2018
How To Make an Omelette Without Breaking An Egg
So here at MYSUESTORIES manor I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning. Most often the reason is simply because it is the wee hours of the morning and I have the bladder of a 110 year old woman.
I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?
Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop. Thank you social media. But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt. And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown. Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody? no? Just me? nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times. To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me? Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....
Again I digress. So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am, I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read: the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....
Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!). However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking. Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion. Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook! Here comes the omelettes!
Only one issue. The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....
I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!
Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.
I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?
Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop. Thank you social media. But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt. And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown. Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody? no? Just me? nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times. To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me? Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....
Again I digress. So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am, I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read: the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....
Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!). However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking. Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion. Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook! Here comes the omelettes!
Only one issue. The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....
I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!
Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.
How To Make an Omelette Without Breaking An Egg
So here at MYSUESTORIES manor I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning. Most often the reason is simply because it is the wee hours of the morning and I have the bladder of a 110 year old woman.
I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?
Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop. Thank you social media. But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt. And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown. Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody? no? Just me? nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times. To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me? Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....
Again I digress. So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am, I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read: the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....
Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!). However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking. Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion. Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook! Here comes the omelettes!
Only one issue. The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....
I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!
Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.
I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?
Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop. Thank you social media. But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt. And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown. Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody? no? Just me? nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times. To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me? Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....
Again I digress. So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am, I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read: the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....
Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!). However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking. Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion. Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook! Here comes the omelettes!
Only one issue. The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....
I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!
Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
They Get Me! They Really Get Me!
They Get Me! They Really Get Me!
Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!
The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.
Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?
Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~
On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .
Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!
Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For
Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!
The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.
Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?
Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~
On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .
Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!
Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For
They Get Me! They Really Get Me!
They Get Me! They Really Get Me!
Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!
The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.
Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?
Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~
On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .
Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!
Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For
Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!
The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.
Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?
Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~
On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .
Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!
Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For
Oh My God! They Get Me! They Really Get ME!
They Get Me! They Really Get Me!
Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!
The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.
Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?
Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~
On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .
Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!
Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For
Monday, December 24, 2018
MYSUESTORIES: The Ghost of Christmas Past
Ah, that Christmas spirit!<br /><br /><br /><em>***Note to our kids---This post involves your parents AND sex- --read at your own risk or risk stabbing your eyes out with a dull knife in an attempt to rid yourself of the images to follow :</em><br /><em></em><br />Who am I kidding? They don't even read this!<br /><br />It's time to stuff those stockings for the spawn of our loins, and quite frankly, what <em></em>do<em></em> you get for boys aged 13 to 22 that fits in an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">over sized</span> fur lined sock? Now, step daughters (when I had some) were easy- lipstick, nail polish, emery boards....the list was endless. Boys? Not so much.<br /><br />So I came back to what works best in our little clan....lottery tickets!!!!<br />I sprung my brilliant idea on the mountain man...<br /><br />"I can get each of them a stack of lottery scratch offs, they don't even have to be wrapped! <em></em>And<em></em> I can shop at that little smoke filled cigar/lotto store where the people look like they haven't moved from in front of that Quick Pick machine in years! <em></em>And<em></em> it's right next to the liquor store! I can do <strong></strong>our<strong></strong> shopping too! Win! Win!"<br /><br />"I don't know if lottery tickets is ideal for a thirteen year old, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">mysuestories</span>", speaks the voice of Christmas Scrooge.<br /><br />"Why ever not?" After all, I grew up doing my home work in bingo halls and bowling alleys. By the age of six, we all knew you couldn't yell "BINGO" yourself, but had to discreetly whisper to Mom that "Hey, MOM!!!!!I HAVE BINGO!!!!!!!" -Have you ever even heard a six year old whisper? Not possible!<br />Anyway, why not indeed? I turned out just fine, didn't I? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Hmmm</span>, maybe that's <em></em>not<em></em> the best selling point..<br /><br />"Mountain man, is it because (((shudder))) you have suddenly developed an inner moral compass and think lottery tickets could lead our cherub to a future life of gambling?" Acquiring a moral compass at this point in our marriage would not be a good thing for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">mysuestories</span>.<br /><br />"Hell, no, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">mysuestories</span>. It's not the gambling that bothers me. Can you imagine if he won millions of dollars? We'd never live it down. <strong></strong>And<strong></strong> we'd be at his mercy!!"<br /><br />It's true. The only thing that keeps the gamester in line is that he depends on us, you know, for food, for shelter, to feed his video game addiction. If <em></em>he<em></em> were the one with all the cash.....<br />***<br />The gamester: "Mom, I'm taking the limo to Disneyland. See ya next week. And if you can't get the new video system for me while I'm away, I can always buy a mom who can...."<br /><br />***<br /><br />Mountain man: "Gamester, that grass needs to be cut."<br />The gamester: "I know. Mom's doing it for me. She needed some extra cash for a new pair of shoes, so I hired her."<br /><br />***<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">mysuestories</span>: "Gamester, did you shovel out your room yet?"<br />Gamester: "It's covered. My new maid will be in on Tuesday. Oh, and there's a homework guy coming in on Monday to finish that book report...."<br /><br />***<br /><br />Oh, the horror that would be this household! I guess I'll just stuff his stocking with fireworks instead. Less mayhem that way!<br /><br /><br /><br /><em>Oh, and that parental sex scene you were waiting for, oh faithful reader? That's <strong>one</strong> way to get my kids not read a Christmas spoiler!!!!</em>
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