Sunday, December 30, 2018

How To Make an Omelette Without Breaking An Egg

So here at MYSUESTORIES manor I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning. Most often the reason is simply because it is the wee hours of the morning and I have the bladder of a 110 year old woman.
I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?

Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop. Thank you social media. But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt. And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown. Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody? no? Just me? nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times. To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me? Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....

Again I digress. So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am, I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read: the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....

Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!). However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking. Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion. Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook! Here comes the omelettes!

Only one issue. The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....

I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!

Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.

How To Make an Omelette Without Breaking An Egg

So here at MYSUESTORIES manor I often wake up in the wee hours of the morning.  Most often the reason is simply because it is the wee hours of the morning  and I have the bladder of a 110 year old woman.
 I also suffer from OCD Insomnia....In layman's terms it simply means I have the urge to accomplish many things before the rest of the world wakes up...it's a thing...check it out in my soon to be written book under the working title  What in the World Goes on in the Mind of MYSUESTORIES?

Of course any plan of actually getting anything productive done goes right out the windows 10 the minute I fire up the old laptop.  Thank you social media.   But right up until that mesmerizing blue screen glow rises in the East, my intentions are as firm as a Kardashian' butt.  And, I might therefore I will add: unlike the famous K-Butt, my, ahem, "intentions" are 100% organically home grown.  Perhaps not as appealing to look upon as the infamous aforementioned K-Butt, but (two butts walk into a bar.......anybody?  no?  Just me?   nevermind)......but I am darned proud of the sh!t I produce....
some times.... Maybe a little more than some times.  To be honest, my thoughts and musings can care the bee-jesus out of me quite often.....but does that stop me?   Nope, Sorry family...This train just keeps on going.....kinda like, well, a runaway train....

Again I digress.   So I am up early, and being the loving, considerate wife that I am,   I very qwietly slip out of the master bedour (read:  the Love Nest with the waterfall trickling quietly bedside) to allow my precious Mountain Man to get his beauty sleep ......Let me note here that the aforementioned waterfall was not an architectural mastermind of mine, but rather due to a leaky roof that only appears to drip on any part of the bed I occupy.....

Well, I'm up and hour or so now, and If there's one thing I like to do is eat (along with laugh and cry, of course!).   However, unconducive to my love of eating , is my fear of cooking.  Okay....It's not so much a fear as it is an aversion.  Just ain't my thang....
Lucky for me, my mountain man is a fantastic cook!    Here comes the omelettes!

Only one issue.   The mountain man, as you may recall, is still snuggled amongst the quilts of his lair, snoozing away. And I would never put my own self-serving needs before his by waking him up just to feed my insatiable hunger for cholesterol and bacon......
And then I remembered an old trick I used to use to get the kids out of bed by noon on a weekend.....

I turned on the oven, popped in a tray of bacon....and let nature have it's olfactory way with the mountain man!

Guess who just shuffled into the kitchen to start breakfast.......Your welcome.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

They Get Me! They Really Get Me!

They Get Me! They Really Get Me!

Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!

The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.


Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?

Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~

On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .


Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!


Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For

They Get Me! They Really Get Me!

They Get Me! They Really Get Me!

Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us!

The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section.........
Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point.


Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight?

Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~

On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts!
I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! .


Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years!


Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For

Oh My God! They Get Me! They Really Get ME!

They Get Me! They Really Get Me! Just last week I posted in this little space of mine how the Mountain Man and I were going to take the Crap out of Crapmas! We were planning to give our kids experiences instead of gifts. What could be more coveted by twenty and thirty something year olds than a commitment to be forced to spend time with us! The Mountain Man and I stood firm and resisted the strong pull of the latest technology in phones and gaming and purchased the Experience of A Hot Air balloon ride for all!!!!!!!! Forget my very real fear of having my feet leave this earth in anything other than 1st Class (or business class, or ((shudder)) cattle section......... Apparently I am willing to sacrifice my sanity and the possibility of hurtling to my death from the inner stratusphere (is that a thing?_ Hell let's just call it creative license at this point. Anyway, apparently my kids are more than okay with the idea that if all goes as unplanned, this hot air balloon could be the last request I make.. and they are all just peachy with it. Can you feel the love tonight? Which is another way of saying Be Careful What You Wish For~ On the other hand our oldest child/man/ manchild ....that last one sounded just a wee bit creepy......Anyhow, I digress....our oldest offspring, Smokey ("Only YOU can Prevent Forest Fires")--presented the Mountain Man and I with group tickets to attend a play ! Experiences! Not Gifts! I actually may have been wrong all these years about our little buggers......They do listen!!!! . Now I have to go through all my writings, memories, facebook posts, etc and make sure I didn't say anything unspeakable when I thought I was being ignored all these years! Like I said....Be Careful What You Wish For

Monday, December 24, 2018

MYSUESTORIES: The Ghost of Christmas Past

Ah, that Christmas spirit!<br /><br /><br /><em>***Note to our kids---This post involves your parents AND sex- --read at your own risk or risk stabbing your eyes out with a dull knife in an attempt to rid yourself of the images to follow :</em><br /><em></em><br />Who am I kidding? They don't even read this!<br /><br />It's time to stuff those stockings for the spawn of our loins, and quite frankly, what <em></em>do<em></em> you get for boys aged 13 to 22 that fits in an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">over sized</span> fur lined sock? Now, step daughters (when I had some) were easy- lipstick, nail polish, emery boards....the list was endless. Boys? Not so much.<br /><br />So I came back to what works best in our little clan....lottery tickets!!!!<br />I sprung my brilliant idea on the mountain man...<br /><br />"I can get each of them a stack of lottery scratch offs, they don't even have to be wrapped! <em></em>And<em></em> I can shop at that little smoke filled cigar/lotto store where the people look like they haven't moved from in front of that Quick Pick machine in years! <em></em>And<em></em> it's right next to the liquor store! I can do <strong></strong>our<strong></strong> shopping too! Win! Win!"<br /><br />"I don't know if lottery tickets is ideal for a thirteen year old, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">mysuestories</span>", speaks the voice of Christmas Scrooge.<br /><br />"Why ever not?" After all, I grew up doing my home work in bingo halls and bowling alleys. By the age of six, we all knew you couldn't yell "BINGO" yourself, but had to discreetly whisper to Mom that "Hey, MOM!!!!!I HAVE BINGO!!!!!!!" -Have you ever even heard a six year old whisper? Not possible!<br />Anyway, why not indeed? I turned out just fine, didn't I? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Hmmm</span>, maybe that's <em></em>not<em></em> the best selling point..<br /><br />"Mountain man, is it because (((shudder))) you have suddenly developed an inner moral compass and think lottery tickets could lead our cherub to a future life of gambling?" Acquiring a moral compass at this point in our marriage would not be a good thing for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">mysuestories</span>.<br /><br />"Hell, no, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">mysuestories</span>. It's not the gambling that bothers me. Can you imagine if he won millions of dollars? We'd never live it down. <strong></strong>And<strong></strong> we'd be at his mercy!!"<br /><br />It's true. The only thing that keeps the gamester in line is that he depends on us, you know, for food, for shelter, to feed his video game addiction. If <em></em>he<em></em> were the one with all the cash.....<br />***<br />The gamester: "Mom, I'm taking the limo to Disneyland. See ya next week. And if you can't get the new video system for me while I'm away, I can always buy a mom who can...."<br /><br />***<br /><br />Mountain man: "Gamester, that grass needs to be cut."<br />The gamester: "I know. Mom's doing it for me. She needed some extra cash for a new pair of shoes, so I hired her."<br /><br />***<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">mysuestories</span>: "Gamester, did you shovel out your room yet?"<br />Gamester: "It's covered. My new maid will be in on Tuesday. Oh, and there's a homework guy coming in on Monday to finish that book report...."<br /><br />***<br /><br />Oh, the horror that would be this household! I guess I'll just stuff his stocking with fireworks instead. Less mayhem that way!<br /><br /><br /><br /><em>Oh, and that parental sex scene you were waiting for, oh faithful reader? That's <strong>one</strong> way to get my kids not read a Christmas spoiler!!!!</em>

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Visions of Sugarplums....

Okay, so it's that Most Wonderful Time of the Year. It's December 20, 2018. Christmas is 5 days away. I haven't bought a single present for my family. Not one. I used to shop for my kids and "husband du jour" for months! Making lists.....Checking them two/three...okay, eighteen times (can anyone say OCD?)....I bought, I hid, I wrapped. I even had the kids wrap their own gifts after the proverbial Elf fell off the shelf and it was clear that no magical old guy with reindeer was going to pay off my Mastercard. Of course, the kids didn't know they were wrapping their own gifts and I never let them peek in the boxes! I have some sense of Christmas respectability here. So, me, mysuestories, who has shown nothing but the utmost admiration for the Gods of Merchandising is not shopping this year. Cold turkey.... God hide the credit cards and keep the wine flowing......I WILL NOT SHOP FOR PRESENTS. I WILL NOT SHOP FOR PRESENTS! I WIll not shop..... Geez, this is gonna be a rough week to follow me, oh dear constant reader....I'll understand if you switch over to the Omnipresent Idol of Christmas Present.. Amazon Prime....right now.... No? So you're still with me here? Good to know. So this year at the Mountain Man's behest (or perhaps his beheading..I'll have to get back to you on that one!)...we have decided to gift our children with the gift of US! That's right. We have managed to figure out the last thing they would rather do is spend time with us! So, in honor of this knowledge, we have decided to gift the kids we so dearly adore with ,,,wait for it..... SPENDING TIME WITH US!!!! Of course we have to wrap up the double-cross-my heart and hope to die- secret inside of something to make them show up to spend their time with us! So Mountain Man had the perfect idea. We are taking them all Hot Air Ballooning! That's right. Me, with my fear of heights....does anyone remember the shady carnival ride "Master of Upside Down Doom".....put together in twenty un-OSHA approved minutes by a scary, hairy guy of questionable hygiene ? No, just me? All righty then... Moving on... So the Mountain Man and I will be gathering up our most precious (and remaining) children and embark on a HOT AIR BALLOON ride that simply may be the Ghost of Christmas Last for our dear family. What could possibly go wrong? Other than us floating higher into the atmosphere than anything without wings was not meant to go? Or worse, NOT floating higher, but hurtling to the ground from unwieldy heights? Could go either way. Ahh...who am I kidding? With all my hot air, I'm pretty sure we could navigate the globe. And my unsuspecting offspring? Well, wouldn't it be nice to have their undivided attention for 80 days or so? Merry Christmas to me!

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Hello, my friend, hello....

It's been a very long time since I have attempted to occupy this space. I have no idea, or expectation of anyone ever reading this little space of mine. Or what used to be mine. A lot has happened in the life of this little blogger. And on that note.. I am going to continue this little blog revisit under the assumption that this will be for my eyes only. Not that I am barring anyone from reading along..Just that I cannot guarantee this will generate the laughter from the audience I once played to on this sweet little instrumental laptop. , You have been forewarned...follow if you dare..... So...I miss being funny on these internet pages.... I liked the gratification of likes and comments and emojis and thumbs up from the people I love ....and to be honest? the strangers who commented were the biggest rush since, well, that first live concert I ever saw, called RUSH, of course....that, dear friend, is a story for another day. I miss writing for the public (All five of you!) but mostly I just miss writing. At all. I want to write. I can write. I can write things people (all five of you) may laugh at , or better yet...send an emoji or the HOLY GRAIL....a comment.........ECSTASY! (the feeling, not the drug!) So, constant reader, you have stuck with me this far tonite....You have earned (or suffered through my intro) the right to know why. Why I have lost my mojo? Why can't I write amusing little musings? (Apparently I still retain my play on words) My life has been forever changed....(which of us hasn't had an earth shattering moment in the last five years?) Any way.. I am going to try to continue this soul cleansing story and hopefully in the process I can find my funny bone,,,, or if not, hey,,,it's a free show here... so if you have come this far, maybe you will be willing to go a little farther... I look forward to seeing you in my next post......Or as I think it should be called...The Cleansing of MY Soul....... MYSUESTORIES........ Tune in again, my dear readers(?) I look forward to seeing you again. I hope you feel the same.