You Think I'm Hostile Now, Wait'll Tonite!

OK...So I am reading a few of my favorite blogs tonight( What's that, Constant reader? You thought MYSUESTORIES was the ONLY blog in the blogosphere? Why, thank you, kind follower. How nice of you to think so highly of mysuestories. Of course I'd never KNOW THIS from all the comments you DON'T leave me...But I digress..)

Anyway, these blogs are like a box of choc-o-late. You never know what yer gonna git. I generally go for the funny (surprise!), but occasionally you'll catch your favorite blogger in a melancholy mood. Or maybe a lead in to a particularly funny punch line can be a little too much personal information.



This is one of those for me, so faithful friends and family, you may want to click outta here RIGHT NOW!!!!!!



No? Still here? OK, just don't say didn't warn you. (And I mean YOU, Grandma!!!)



OK, for those (the one?) of you still here...

I'm flipping through my usual fave blogs, and I stumble upon one of my daily Internet acquaintances. And today, instead of a cute little story about her kids saying goofy things, or maybe her cat upchucking on company, she decides to share a little ditty from her past.
It appears this particular blogger suffered a small bout of infertility, and was told by her DOCTOR that she had a "hostile cervical environment"!!!!

No shit. You can't make this stuff up. Go ahead and read all about it. I'll wait.

Motherhood in NYC: Baking Soda, Vinegar, Maybe Oil for Flavor?#links

You didn't click, did you? Okay...suffice it to say that this blogger has (had?) a hostile cervical environment, which according to her witchdoctor physician was causing her cervix (I told you this was upfrontandpersonal!) to kill all sperm who enter here, thus leaving her infertile.

Now do ya wanna leave? No? Good.

OK, now I'm certainly no medical doctor, but I am a woman (maybe not a lady, per se, but a woman nevertheless!), and I do know a little something about HCE (otherwise known as Hostile Cervical Environment!

A Hostile Cervical Environment is what fuels my PMS rages seven days prior, seven days during, and fourteen days after a visit from dear ole Aunt Flo!

A Hostile Cervical Environment is how any orifice would respond whose main function is to be stuffed at the whim of "the little" head.

A Hostile Cervical Environment would be any body part forced to squeeze out a kid with a head the size of a watermelon through an opening the size of an orange (I SWEAR!!!! It really was the size of an orange before old Butterball came along!!!))

And lastly (Thank God, you're thinking about now...She's almost done. Your right. I am.).
And lastly....
A Hostile Cervical Environment is what the mountain man faces when he thinks poking me with a particular body part 50 minutes before the alarm goes off is a good idea!

Sheesh...between Aunt Flo, tampons, popping out brats AND having to put up with (for?) pricks all the time, it's no wonder it's a Hostile Environment!!!!

I'll take "the mountain man" for $100, Alex

Scene: The mountain man and mysuestories are performing a near-nightly ritual. We are plopped on the love seat watching Jeopardy, a show of not only body, but also of mind. Three unsuspecting contestants answer questions for cash, while at home, the mountain man and mysuestories do the same. With one small (!?!) difference. Without the chance to win money.

Mountain man and mysuestories shout out answers at the t.v. (We do not have a buzzer). Our answers? About 50/50 on the correctness scale. No matter. We continue to shout at an unhearing Alex Tribek.

All three contestants miss the Final Jeopardy question. Mountain man proclaims them "LOSERS", the best of which is walking away with $9400.00. That's a mere $9400.00 more than either the mountain man OR mysuestories won tonight.

Yeah, honey. You tell 'em!!!

Thank God we can live on love. I just can't decide whether to serve that with rice or potatoes for dinner tomorrow nite.

I'm thinking the guy who won the $9400.00 will be having a nice juicy T-bone steak. Yeah. What a loser.

Talk About a Dead Zone

Camping with mysuestories and crew was not all chicken feathers and guts MYSUESTORIES: A Hen In the Pen, Sam I Am .

There was one nephew who suffered the tremendous loss of three days without electricity. No t.v., no Xbox 360, no Nintendo DS, no ( shudder ) laptop. We may as well have taken air away from the poor tyke.

By day 2, he was jonesing pretty bad. Those 20 minute daily visits back to mysuestories manor for showers and quick television intervention just wasn't cutting it for this human USB cable.

He spent hours trying to find a spot on the beach (which is apparently off of every single satellite grid in the world!) trying to get some kind of signal for his lifeline iPhone.

Leave it to his adoring Pop Pop and an aluminum bat to solve the problems of the Internet unconnected!

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

I'm pretty sure Pop Pop did not need to raise his arm in a salute reminiscent of World War II, but that's a guess, at best!

All hail Pop Pop, Harnesser of Satellite Service!!!!

Psst...iPhone management, mysuestories is looking to make an app for iPhone that will bring the service of Pop Pop and his Amazing Satellite Connection to beached iPhones everywhere!
It works great until someone yells "Play Ball!"

A Hen In the Pen, Sam I Am

Well, campers and readers, mysuestories and clan spent the holiday weekend camping at our local beach with many friends and family.

And, as usual, there was a fair amount of family:

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

And friends:

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

Plenty of Christmas trees in May:

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

And carefully sorted firewood:

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

Some new tents appeared---Even one with closets!!!

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

And plenty of man-love!

From Camping Memorial Day 2009

But the high light of our trip occurred when my new-to-camping dad took our gaming addict and his two cousins back to mysuestories manor to let our dachshunds out for a while.
Twenty minutes later, I received the only phone call where the reception actually worked at the beach, and it was our gaming addict calling to say,
"There's a hen in the pen! There's a hen in the pen!" Sam I AM? Green eggs and Ham?
HUH?
Well, it turns out, one of our neighborhood hens had decided to take a walk in our dogs' pen that morning. And our unsuspecting gamester unwittingly let out chainsaw on legs dog, Rusty, (you, remember her, the sexually frustrated one, star of MYSUESTORIES: That Doggy has Style )


Well, bedlam ensued as Rusty went on the attack to defend her turf, and this poor chick may as well have had a fox in the hen house. At one point, the chick tried to play dead (I think!), and Rusty let go....alas, only to move in for the kill, which, unfortunately, the hen was well alive for!

All the while, the kids are hooting and hollering, as my poor dad is trying to get a rake between the hen and dog. Now the hen had two problems...she's being eaten by my dog and being attacked with a rake by a crazy man!!!!!
The gamester called us back, as we raced to the crime scene to tell us that while my dad had rescued the poor chicken from Rusty, he was mortally wounded. He then reported that my dad was now, (and I quote-Ya can't make this shit up, people!)- My dad was now CHOKING THE CHICKEN in our backyard!

We got home to find one dead chicken (yes, a bird, and not a pecker as we feared!) and a dog pen in which it looked as if a goose down pillow had exploded!!!!

Oh yeah, there was also this on YOU TUBE:
WARNING- NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLC6_hRcxCI

Apparently, in my nephews' neck of the woods, when there's a Hen In The Pen, that's a cue for the iPhone to start arollin'!!!! Good show, kids!

Oh, and the newbies to our camping trip (IE:Dad and nephews)? Can't wait till Labor Day! Make sure your phones are charged at all times!!!!!

Locked In Or Out? And Does It Matter Which Side of the Fence You're On?

As we get ready to embark on another fun filled weekend of camping at the beach, I find myself remembering another weekend camping trip...(insert dream sequence music here...)

About ten years ago, mysuestories' then-husband and I took our kids camping with some friends at the local beach. It was one of our first times camping, and we borrowed a tent and some gear and took off for some sun and fun.

Well, there was fun to be had, but unfortunately there was not all that much sun. In fact, one evening as we were trying to sleep in a tsunami strength wind storm on open flat sand, mind you, what else could possibly go wrong? The wind is ripping through the fine, flimsy walls of our huge tent. The protective tarp covering is simply howling and whipping against said tent.

The kids, inexperienced campers that they were, were sufficiently terrorized and unable to sleep in such a chaotic beach of bedlam! And the then-husband and I were not much better off.
But as we tried to brave the weather, a tremendous thunderstorm broke out, thereby ending any chance of catching any sleep after a full day of sand play.

Not only did the lightening and thunder further scare the bejesus out of us (we were after all in a tent with aluminum poles - may as well just be wearing a sign that says Light My Fire, chrissakes!).

Side note: Are you aware, constant reader, that the words water resistant do not in fact mean water proof? Oh, hell-in-a-hand-basket no, it does not!!!!

So, you can imagine, we were now drenched as well as properly terrified in our "tent"/canoe!
By three am, we simply gave up and decided to just pack up the kids and make a mad drive for our homestead, which, coincidentally (or not-I can rough it only sooo much!) happened to be a mere five minutes away!!

We each scooped up a kid and ran for the parking lot and the safety of our car. As we were about to leave the parking lot to hell, we noticed a chain through the goddamn gates across the entrance. Apparently, this particular beach prefers not to allow visitors in after hours. Or out, either. Shit!

Exhausted and cursing silently, we made the kids as comfortable as two soaked to the skin, exhausted, terrified rats could possibly get and settled down for the remainder of our "Night in Hell".

Forget sleeping smashed in a car (although the uncanny ability of my children to fall asleep anywhere during anything amazes me to this day!) , I stewed and cursed (albeit silently), and waited for first light and the park employee who would surely release us from our prison!

About two hours into this new prison cell (read: vehicle), the then-husband and I notice a pre dawn lunatic an early morning fisherman drive up to the chained gate. We kinda chuckle at the dilemma he will now face, being locked out of where we would like to not be locked in! (The irony could kill ya, no?)

Then, to our horror and amazement, the fisherman/axe murderer(?) simply gets out of his car, walks over to the gate, and slips the unlocked chain through the gate!!!! Our hero returns to this car, enters, and simply drives through the friggin' entrance!!!

We may have at that very moment decided that the person sitting beside each other was , in fact, a moron, and divorce was definitely a thing to come, but I just remember being so grateful to get the f**k out of that miserable parking lot in that torrential rain, that our own idiocy was simply not so significant.

Now, the next day, when we returned for our flooded tent, that was significant idiocy, alas a tale for another day!

Roughing It!

Well, the Memorial Day Weekend is just about upon us. It must be one helluva day to have an entire Weekend named for it!!!! And we here at mysuestories manor plan to celebrate those veterans who sacrificed their time, safety, and lives in order for us to enjoy our life, liberty, and pursuit of all things summer!



We will be participating in an age old tradition for both mountain man and mysuestories (both pre-hooking up and post!)----We're loading up (and hopefully getting loaded as well!) the kids/friends/gear/food/drink...and we're going camping.



Yep, we are gonna shop/pack/gather/chop wood/shop some more and lug all that shit by the truck loads and head in to the great uncharted land that is the beach. The beach that is exactly a six minute drive from our house. A mere hop. skip, and jump from our running water, heat, and indoor plumbing. Right down the damned block from my most cozy down feather comforter and nice firm mattress.



Matter of fact, as soon as those little kiddies get their tent set up and crawl in for an evening of scary tales of wandering murderous one armed slayers, I just might high tail it back to my own little 4 bedroom, 2 bath pre-erected tent...tee hee!



I just loooove roughing it!

Sgt Strict

Okay- Now I've gone and done it!!! I just had to take this quiz courtesy of T-Mobile. (Not a bad quiz, by the way!) AND I've confirmed everything my kids have ever said about me.


T-Mobile Mom to Mom Quiz: "

Take the fun, Mom to Mom quiz and discover your parenting style.

Great. Now an entire mobile network knows it, too. Oh, and you, dear reader. You're in on the big secret!!!!!!Now Sssshhhhh!!
I hope this doesn't get in the way of my Greatest Mom Award (You don't have to actually be nominated by your kids, do you?)