A Dummies Guide To A Smart Phone

OK, so I finally joined the twenty-first century and got myself an smartphone. ( ok, ok, so, I didn't actually buy it for myself...it was a very generous gift from a very generous client who apparently knows I don't know how to abuse his data package...) Anyway, so I am three months into this phone, and with the help of The Gamester (aka - my youngest son, aka -my 21st century informational highway tutor)..... I have got the basics down...I can text, I can make calls, save data, shop, and check my facebook status way more often than I need to ! ( I didn't say I actually do all these things, just that I can!) So, just the other day, I notice that no one seemed to be responding to my text messages. I even sent the same texts several times, wondering why I was being ignored. (It is important to note here that the afore-mentioned texts were NOT being sent to my children, so the fact that I was being technologically ignored was particularly note-worthy!) I went through my smartphone's text history on Wednesday evening and realized I HAD NOT RECEIVED A TEXT IN FOUR DAYS! I immediately pulled out my 17th century Verizon Samsung with the slide-out bar ('cuz that's how I roll!) and texted my 21st century smartphone. (Why, yes, yes, I do keep both phones on at all times....doesn't everyone keep their old '76 Chevy Nova on the road after they finally get the BMW?) Anyway, so the trusty old Samsung dials up (slowly, of course) the flashy new smartphone.....It rings.......so far, so good.......Samsung then attempts to text The Flash.....nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch... I attempt to go through the settings features of The Flash. Everything looks fine to me. Then again, anything short of a screen that says "INCOMING TEXTS AE NOT WORKING BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO CLICK YOUR HEELS TOGETHER TWICE WHILE SPINNING COUNTER-CLOCKWISE AND REPEATING A HAIL MARY" ...would not enlighten me in the least when it comes to this new phone. So I set off for the MECCA of modern technology.....The Verizon Customer Service Department. I approach the service desk, injured phone held in my hands as if it were a bird who had try to fly a wee bit too early.. "What's the matter, mysuestories?" questions the young techie who barely looked old enough to shave.....( and, no, he didn't actually know my name...after all this was a high-tech store, and I? I am just a lowly servant of all matters modern.....) "My smartphone, Oh Great One......It simply will not receive any texts.....I've tried everything (read...I switched phone off and then back on again)..and it just won't work!" I replied. Now don't misunderstand me...I may not be geek-level smart, but I can perform simple techy functions.....I can post statuses, use video on demand....I can even use my dvd player....(Ok, Ok, Trisha...with a little help!), but here I was completely out of my element.... My facial-hairless support tech takes the smartphone from me and after asking my phone number (which I did know)...he attempts to send me a text. It doesn't work, and I am relieved. At least I don't look like a total idiot. I have secretly been vindicated. FOR ONE MOMENT. Next my techhie takes my smartphone and REMOVES THE BACK PLATE. At this point, my heart starts to race and I am breaking into a nerve-wracking sweat. Is this guy crazy? You never take modern things apart! Everyone knows that! (Especially everyone born before the 1970's!) This was not going to end well, I feared. Mr. Tear My Dear New SmartPhone Apart then (gasp) REMOVES THE BATTERY! Crap! Now I am now hyper-ventilating in the middle of the phone store! My Not Old Enough To Shave Yet Techhie proceeds to replace the battery immediately, much to my pulse rate's desire! Pshew.....That was close. Now what? I wonder... After having replaced my SmartPhone's heart (ie. battery), my Geek of the moment proceeds to turn the phone on. The lights flash, a little beep signals that the re-transplantation of said battery has been a success, and I visibly breathe easier. He then tries to send another text to my Smartphone, which makes no sense to me, as he hasn't even DONE anything yet, besides make me lose years off my life... And guess what? The text goes right through, complete with little chirpy alert sound! I am mystified, and apparently he notices this by my slack-jawed expression... "Everyone knows you should always just reinsert the battery as a first-line-of-defense check if any mishap appears to occur," he tells me matter-of-factly. Of course....except? I NEVER GOT THAT MEMO. It must have been texted to me.....Sigh