Saturday, July 6, 2013

Skinny Margaritas, Anyone?

So, here at mysuestories manor, I have been lucky enough to find myself self-employed, and happily getting paid to do things I really enjoy doing......Without getting in to too much detail....(which, you, constant reader, know I am incapable of doing!).......I get paid A LOT of money ----(Yes, that's right...I just posted on the internet that I get paid A LOT of money.....It's okay, faithful follower....I also pay A LOT of taxes on said earnings---hey, I am nothing, if not law abiding) to perform various duties for some VERY generous clients.. .... (and no, mountain man, I am NOT pimping myself out...Although I suspect the pay (AND the taxes ) might be quite a bit higher)...... What I DO perform are some daily duties that my clients (again, my VERY generous clients) would rather not do themselves.........And again, dear reader, because I DO know my audience, minds out of the gutter...... Anyway, one such chore (haha) I get over paid for that I send one particular client off to work each morning with a plastic water bottle filled with freshly squeezed lemon water, with a healthy dose of carb fighting supplement added to it. So, on this particular morning, I notice that said client had not drank her veggie juice for lunch the previous day (said drink consisting of kale, beets, carrots, sweet potato, etc....hey, I don't drink them, I just make them!)...So I added the previous day's juice to her lunch bag. I also noticed a plastic water bottle still sitting in the fridge. Apparently? She didn't drink her water the previous day either......Ok...Easy morning for mysuestories.... I added the carb fighting supplement to the container and packed it in with her lunch..... Fast forward four hours.........I get a phone call from above mentioned client....she was having her lunch (ok, she was having a juice drink... which in some circles constitutes lunch)...and she had just taken a swig (or maybe it was a gulp) from the plastic water bottle that SHOULD have contained lemon water and carb fighters.....Turns out? That plastic water bottle in the fridge? was filled with margaritas from her husband's concert-going nite the previous evening..... That's right....I sent a highly respected professional to work with a pitcher of margaritas! Oops.......Hey, at least I added the carb fighter supplement.....That should make them skinny margaritas, no? If you are gonna drink alcohol at work, at least work on the fat-fighting while you are doing it...... This is probably why they never ask me to cook with wine...or sherry, or vodka.....sigh

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

You Can't Work It If You Ain't Got It

I'm at the gym (which, yeah, is a miracle in of itself - and if Jesus could turn water into wine, you would think he could make a chocolate bar that makes you lose weight- I mean, Jesus, Jesus! No wonder you're losing throngs to the virgins-in-the-afterlife group!)

Back to mysuestories at the gym... So, I'm at the gym, and I am constantly awed by these, um, super people. If you have ever made the decision to torture yourself at a health club, I'm sure you've seen them, too. On the outside, they look like your average, every day, fellow human (except that they're usually 40 lbs underweight if female- 60 pounds of muscle overweight if male)--- but put them in their natural habitat; IE: the fitness center- and they stand out like a Jersey Housewife in a dollar store.

That's right...I'm talking about super-workout girl. You know her. She's rocking the cute little matching yoga pants and tankini top that cost more than my entire membership for a year. Or maybe you've met her man, Mr. I Lift Things Up and Put Them Down- the guy with the sixty inch neck supporting one head and the two inch steroid atrophied penis --nevermind--- you
know who I'm talking about!

It's bad enough that I have to drag myself to the d@mned gym in the first place, in my ratty sweat pants and stained tee shirt (Which? Brand new was a great maternity outfit only 20 years ago!--I'm thrifty, peeps, not poor.....or at least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it).

I jump on a treadmill in a line of soldier-like treadmills lined up thisclose together, facing nothing but the lower level of the gym and six flat screen TVs that seem to air nothing but CNN - and yeah, I like my news, but how much Wolf can one person possibly take for the love of God- so there's not a whole lot of entertainment....(that is-- if you're not including me trying to walk on a moving surface-- now that? That's entertainment).

So I people watch. For forty five grueling boring minutes (ooh, and don't forget the mandatory five minute slow down!) I watch. I watch Gym Rat Girl and Juice Boy. I take little not-so- sly peeks at your speed and your time and definitely your weight on your workout screen. (and, you-know-I-know that you took ten pounds off your weight- That's okay...I took off 20- easiest weight I ever lost).
But do you know what the most amazing part of my treatment for potato chip and onion dip addiction is? While I am on that treadmill burning away all those late night bon bons and cookie dough ice cream sundaes? It's that these children of the gym, these work out aficiondos....these hamsters whose little rat legs were just made for running in one place---they are talking while they are working out.

I know. Astonishing, isn't it? They are talking. On a phone. To each other. To themselves. To their gym equipment.

I don't know how they do it. I can barely walk on the d@mned treadmill without tangling my feet- and that's while holding on to the side bars for dear life. But not them. They answer calls, send texts, maybe even they're having sext....and hooray for them if they are....But do they have to do it while exercising? Jeez....I can barely breathe and walk..I mean, here I am, sweating like a whore in church on Sunday, and they are not even missing a beat of whatever little phone app they're playing with.

Although, after months of studying and watching (okay, okay, constant reader-) after days of studying and watching (Blogging with Integrity-yeah yeah yeah)....I took a page from the guy who yells at his treadmill as if it's a new recruit in this man's army!!!

I find myself silently encouraging my own treadmill along....urging it to go faster (the time clock, NOT the speed!), come on, baby, just ten more can do it, you big hunk of steel....just make that little clock tick faster, faster, you can do it, little treadmill, just skip a few minutes on the old clock there.. faster, faster....

Yeah. And then I realized. I was trying to talk the treadmill into finishing prematurely. Like a 16 year old boy in the back seat of a 1966 mustard colored Chevy Nova on Band Night at the OBI South----

Really, mysuestories? Taking advantage of fitness equipment? Is this what our love of cheese has done to us?

I felt so dirty. And to make it worse? He didn't finish any sooner than any other time his clock was set for 45 minutes. In fact? I think the cool down was shorter than normal.

Sigh. I guess it wasn't good for him either.

Maybe tomorrow I'll come on to the stationary bicycles. That should make 'em sweat!

What's that, constant reader? Why yes, I did own a 1966 mustard colored Chevy Nova. Why do you ask?

Sunday, May 26, 2013

If You've Seen One SUV, You've Seen Them All

Okay, as Father's Day is soon approaching, I am reminded of a specific event that has defined my image of my Dad forever.    Forget the late night feedings, years of parental guidance, and all that cash I must have sucked up from his future retirement fund throughout my childhood.....

THIS is the memory that has over-come all others in the history of mysuestories and her dad...(yes...dear reader, I am speaking of myself in the third person again.   Deal with it).

Many moons ago (read: one spouse ago), my then-husband and I had my dad and kids in the car.  What we were doing and why escapes me.......Yes, I am mysuestories, and I am getting too old to remember details......

Anyway, at some point, my dad decided he wanted to stop at the local supermarket for something (see above comment for lack of details as to what he wanted to purchase).     We pull into the local market parking lot, and Dad says he will just run into the store by himself (rather than disconnect two kids from car seats who will then want him to buy them everything in the forbidden snack aisle).  A wise choice...probably the last wise choice made that day!

We are sitting in our average, non-descript, black SUV (pay attention...these details will be important later, I promise) with the kids.....waiting for Dad, a.k.a. Pop Pop, to emerge from the market.

Finally, ten minutes later, I see my dad emerge from the store.  Great.  Let's get the kids and him home already.....(Patience has never been my strong suit...Surprised much, constant reader?)   Anyway, I am watching my dad leave the store and head in the general direction of our SUV.   All is good, no?

Apparently?  NO.  I watch in horror as my dad begins to approach a similar average, non-descript, SUV.......He is carrying his purchases (again,  no idea what said purchase is)....and smiling and almost skipping to the car.

At this point?   I realize something is amiss......He is heading to the wrong car.   He reaches the  other vehicle....goes around to the passenger back seat door (which, to his credit, is where he was sitting in our   vehicle).....

Now, it is important to note here, that there is a woman sitting in the driver's seat of this similar but oh so not our vehicle...completely oblivious to what is about to happen.......

I attempt to roll down my car window  to shout, oh, I don't know, maybe "Hey, Dad, THAT IS NOT OUR CAR"?   but I find myself hysterically laughing and in tears of probably joy for the blog post material that is unfolding before my eyes....I am unable to get the window down .....

At this point, my smiling dad opens the (Of course) unlocked back passenger door and hops in the car.  As I watch,   (yes still laughing AND crying. .hey , nobody ever said call mysuestories to prevent a disaster)...the woman in the driver's seat turns to see that her new passenger is not the person she is waiting to emerge from the market.

She screams (Ok, we really couldn't hear window is still closed, and so were hers,  but trust me on this...)  She screams......My dad?  He then screams as well........

He hops out of the car as if it were on fire!   And noticing OUR car just a few spots over (with one daughter in tears in the front seat!) dashes to our car and hops in!!!!!

I, to this day, have no idea what that poor woman must have thought....But me?   I thought that was the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

A Dummies Guide To A Smart Phone

OK, so I finally joined the twenty-first century and got myself an smartphone. ( ok, ok, so, I didn't actually buy it for was a very generous gift from a very generous client who apparently knows I don't know how to abuse his data package...) Anyway, so I am three months into this phone, and with the help of The Gamester (aka - my youngest son, aka -my 21st century informational highway tutor)..... I have got the basics down...I can text, I can make calls, save data, shop, and check my facebook status way more often than I need to ! ( I didn't say I actually do all these things, just that I can!) So, just the other day, I notice that no one seemed to be responding to my text messages. I even sent the same texts several times, wondering why I was being ignored. (It is important to note here that the afore-mentioned texts were NOT being sent to my children, so the fact that I was being technologically ignored was particularly note-worthy!) I went through my smartphone's text history on Wednesday evening and realized I HAD NOT RECEIVED A TEXT IN FOUR DAYS! I immediately pulled out my 17th century Verizon Samsung with the slide-out bar ('cuz that's how I roll!) and texted my 21st century smartphone. (Why, yes, yes, I do keep both phones on at all times....doesn't everyone keep their old '76 Chevy Nova on the road after they finally get the BMW?) Anyway, so the trusty old Samsung dials up (slowly, of course) the flashy new smartphone.....It far, so good.......Samsung then attempts to text The Flash.....nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch... I attempt to go through the settings features of The Flash. Everything looks fine to me. Then again, anything short of a screen that says "INCOMING TEXTS AE NOT WORKING BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO CLICK YOUR HEELS TOGETHER TWICE WHILE SPINNING COUNTER-CLOCKWISE AND REPEATING A HAIL MARY" ...would not enlighten me in the least when it comes to this new phone. So I set off for the MECCA of modern technology.....The Verizon Customer Service Department. I approach the service desk, injured phone held in my hands as if it were a bird who had try to fly a wee bit too early.. "What's the matter, mysuestories?" questions the young techie who barely looked old enough to shave.....( and, no, he didn't actually know my name...after all this was a high-tech store, and I? I am just a lowly servant of all matters modern.....) "My smartphone, Oh Great One......It simply will not receive any texts.....I've tried everything (read...I switched phone off and then back on again)..and it just won't work!" I replied. Now don't misunderstand me...I may not be geek-level smart, but I can perform simple techy functions.....I can post statuses, use video on demand....I can even use my dvd player....(Ok, Ok, Trisha...with a little help!), but here I was completely out of my element.... My facial-hairless support tech takes the smartphone from me and after asking my phone number (which I did know)...he attempts to send me a text. It doesn't work, and I am relieved. At least I don't look like a total idiot. I have secretly been vindicated. FOR ONE MOMENT. Next my techhie takes my smartphone and REMOVES THE BACK PLATE. At this point, my heart starts to race and I am breaking into a nerve-wracking sweat. Is this guy crazy? You never take modern things apart! Everyone knows that! (Especially everyone born before the 1970's!) This was not going to end well, I feared. Mr. Tear My Dear New SmartPhone Apart then (gasp) REMOVES THE BATTERY! Crap! Now I am now hyper-ventilating in the middle of the phone store! My Not Old Enough To Shave Yet Techhie proceeds to replace the battery immediately, much to my pulse rate's desire! Pshew.....That was close. Now what? I wonder... After having replaced my SmartPhone's heart (ie. battery), my Geek of the moment proceeds to turn the phone on. The lights flash, a little beep signals that the re-transplantation of said battery has been a success, and I visibly breathe easier. He then tries to send another text to my Smartphone, which makes no sense to me, as he hasn't even DONE anything yet, besides make me lose years off my life... And guess what? The text goes right through, complete with little chirpy alert sound! I am mystified, and apparently he notices this by my slack-jawed expression... "Everyone knows you should always just reinsert the battery as a first-line-of-defense check if any mishap appears to occur," he tells me matter-of-factly. Of course....except? I NEVER GOT THAT MEMO. It must have been texted to me.....Sigh

Monday, May 13, 2013

A Mother's Day Without Children....Is Still a Mother's Day!

Okay....So, I have FINALLY achieved the mother of all Mother's Day Gifts! All of my off-spring were otherwise engaged today (ie: work, schooling, parole-enforced guidance...) So, I, as a Mom, finally achieved what all Moms have been seeking since Eve fell for Adam's apple.....I was sans kids all day! When the youngans were young...(ie..toddlers...) my perfect mother's day was a day of tanning, pedicures, and manicures........Yep, that's right....a day without kids......What else could a mom of needy little blood suckers ( I mean loving children) ever want? Now? Okay.....the youngans are not quite so young......Still, the blood-letting continues....... But today? Today I found myself without youngans not so the influence of their schedules, not mine (ie: work schedules, parole obligations, etc..) ....and let me tell you...woo hoo..I have achieved the ultimate Mom status....Hi, I am mysuestories, and I am childless for Mother's Day!!!!!Okay, Okay, so I am still waiting up for the youngest to get home from his skateboarding escapades....but still, for a few hours there, I was free........ The ultimate Mom experience? Is apparently to be without children......Who knew?

Friday, May 10, 2013

Mother's Day Post..Do I Look Fat in These Stripes?

Okay, so Mother's Day is approaching, and I am still reveling in a gift I received from my firebug (ie: my eldest child) a few years back......I, constant follower of my blog, am an avid reader......There are weeks when I can plow through three or four books in a weekend.........I would visit the local library and grab five or six books (just in case I didn't like one or two past the jacket contents)...and read them through....

Well, this most thoughtful child of mine purchased a Kindle for me for Mother's Day....I was elated.....however, I was also wary......I LIKE books...I like turning the pages...the smell of the paper.....the occasional spider crawling out (ok, maybe not so much).......But, you know me....I refuse to let anything go to waste....So after a few weeks, I decided it was time to make friends with this electronic book reader...embrace the technology......

Easier said than done!

The Kindle is great! Until I realized they want you to pay for the books you download! And yes, you can get daily deals on specific books for as little as 99 cents...but still.....the library only charged me when I returned my books late...(ok, ok, I am a BAD borrower...)

Then I learned that you can download books for FREE from the library through e-live brary.....(Yes, I AM cheap...sorry....I don't know where that comes certainly doesn't carry over to my shoe purchases!)

So now I use my library card and am able to download books (did I mention for FREE?) to my kindle via my laptop.......It's not so hard, although I did have to spend two 30 minute sessions (for FREE) with a library tech geek volunteer to figure it out....

Only thing is? It's a bit time consuming to down load the books, so I tend to download four or five at a time.....Only, you don't get thirty days with these e-books, like with regular paper (ugh) or hard cover books...You only get the download for 7 days....

Well, apparently I have a life and am busy, and I can't read all those books I worked so hard to download in only 7 days.....

Well.....guess what? I realized recently that as long as I don't connect my Kindle to wifi, those books do NOT disappear in 7 days! So now? I am keeping my Kindle charged and not connecting to wifi to HIDE my books from the library police!

Yes.....hi, I am Mysuestories, and apparently? I am a criminal....

Can't wait to see what I get this Mother's Day....Maybe handcuffs? Or a Striped jumpsuit? Please, kids......just a nice breakfast would be fine.....

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Working Child the 16 year old has taken my (ill advised?) advice  and found himself a job......Yes, that's right.......My kid......HIS job...   Well, guess what.....  now I have to be slave to his uniforms being washed and pressed (okay,  he could care less about the cleanliness and starch status of his clothes....but OCD demands it be done!)    And now I find myself running around his schedule...making sure I can get him to work ,  simply to have to wait around to pick him up four hours later....... Frankly?  It would be easier to just give him the $30 some odd bucks and tell him to stay the heck home some days!
Not to mention the $135. I am already in debt for the new black sneakers/black pants/white shirt I had to buy before he worked a single day......add gas and mileage...this job is killing me!   

Crap. So what is the current cost of trying to raise a cost conscious child in this economy?     F#ck if I know...All I know is I am exhausted.......The 16 year old has more money AND video games than he knows what to do with!!!!! and  I am spending a fortune in gas and expenses to keep this kid in petty cash!.....

And lucky me....I have a child who is willing and able to work for his own keep (albeit the keep is keeping him in all the current video games!)


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Hope at last

Okay, dear readers (it was nine at last count)...I have recovered well from my job loss (aka...laid off status after 22 yrs) of two years ago...I have delved into an endeavor of self employment in a field which I have always enjoyed......and you know what? I have never been so happy or so financially secure than I am right screw big corporate....reach for your have nothing to lose........and by the way.....local followers? Long Island... I am looking for a few good women (or men) to join my growing and prospering company.....anyone interested in learning how to start their own company or join mine...please contact me at or through the comments section....there IS hope for all!!!