Friday, October 2, 2009

Almost Cut My Hair...

Well, constant reader, fall is definitely approaching here at mysuestories manor in northeastern America.
"Gee," you may be thinking, " How is it you know this, oh great wise one, mysuestories? Is it the changing colors of the leaves? The blustery blowing of the wind? Perhaps it's the fact that your body "head lights" are on as you dash to the car in the pitch black mornings? What is your personal Fall Is Coming indicator, mysuestories?"

Why, dear follower, it is nothing as common as any of the aforementioned publicly approved signs of fall. A sure sign that colder times are upon us? Why, it's my personal coat of hair on my hyde coming in thicker.

It's true. Sad, yes. But true, nevertheless. And because I speak the truth here at mysuestories, (at least when it's a funny truth)- I am compelled to share this with you.

I used to get my eyebrows waxed religiously every two weeks.....When it comes to pulling the little f*ckers one painful hair at a time, I am a wuss. Not to mention, I am not in the least bit artistic, so that I always end up with one eyebrow going flat over one eye, while the other is raised dramatically, creating an "I am always freaking surprised" look that just doesn't work for me!

So, I guess I somehow lost my due diligence lately in taming the nests above my eye lids, and I dragged myself into the spa. Okay, my "spa" consists of twelve Asian girls lined up like hookers, in a strip mall store abutting Dollar Tree. This is as luxurious as I get some days.

So, here I am, an exiled patriot in my own country, where I just know all that cute little foreign language banter is directed at the Sasquatch that is me that just entered their little piece of Chinatown.
Without even having to ask, the size 0, lanky dark haired flawlessly waxed maiden at the door says, " You here for eyebrow wax?"
Gee, ya think? Actually, by this point I'm thinking, f*ck it, I'll just braid them....But my balls are bigger in my head than out loud, so I smile meekly and nod.

I'm now laying on my back in a back room where Buddha only knows what goes on after hours, and I am in the midst of having my eyebrows painted with mother f*cking HOT wax and then r-i-i-i-p-p-p-e-d off of my face. (Ain't womanhood grand? First I get to internally bleed externally seven days a month, and now this. Hey, God? While we're at it, let's make the females of the species push eight pound watermelons out of an opening the size of an apple.....(He's not completely cruel, ya know. At least the whole hemorrhaging to death every frickin month stops in preparation for the upcoming birth of the Great Pumpkin through the Pea Opening!)
Any how, after ten minutes of plowing the field that is my eyebrow hair, this (dare I say) woman proceeds to take out a scissors (!!!!) and starts to trim my eyebrows. I mean, lordy, how long were those suckers, any way?

And that ain't the only thickening of the outer coat I am experiencing, folks.

My hair (ATOP my pretty little head- just to be clear, 'cause I know what kind of people I generally attract!) has become so thick and full bodied that I can barely force a comb through it. Lately, I can't even get it to fully dry, even with the four-and-a-half minutes I allot myself for just that procedure every morning. Naturally, by the time I get to work (at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am, need I remind you!) I look like I've been playing with electrical sockets. I've been using more hair grease to tame this do than an entire Mexican dance troupe!
So I sucked up my pride and finally made an appointment for a hair cut. For tomorrow. Don't you know my hair came out perfect today? Not a split end or frizz in sight. It's like its friggin' scared to be cut.....
Who knows, maybe it hurts to be a hair when it's cut....Now look! I'm feeling sorry for my frigging hair....and the only reason I'm cutting it in the first place is because it won't behave to begin with!!!!....Do ya think hair has feelings? Oh, yeah...this is how my sick mind works....
I almost called off the whole hair cut thing...And then I remembered the pain of the eye brow wax.......

Screw it.....I hope it hurts the little buggers like hell!!!!

Next week, we tackle the woolly mammoth limbs I call my legs!!!!!

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