Monday, May 24, 2010

Life on the Farm

Things I Learned Gardening This Weekend:

Love is...watching the mountain man plant 110 vegetable plants for our garden, knowing that his not-so-young knees will be screaming at him later.

If you buy 110 vegetable plants for your garden, someone has to dig 110 holes for those plants.

If you buy 46 tomato plants in 6 different stages of growth, you will be making sauce until Thanksgiving.

If the mountain man must use two stakes and string to perfectly align his crops, he really shouldn't assume I will plant those crops in that same straight line.

Matter of fact, just about the only straight line I can be assured of making will be the bee line to the fridge come lunch time.

That the 200 corn seeds we planted will yield exactly 4 stunted ears of corn (we are a family of five -ya better grab your veggies quick that nite!), but the corn stalks will save us $40.00 in fall house decorations!!!!

That our pumpkins have never grown in the four years we have been co-planting together, But I still insist that we plant them, 'cause this will be the year!

We planted four different kinds of peppers, and yet no one in our house eats them. (Except the sloth- and then only the jalapenos and habaneros).

Did you know that a very effective way to keep chickens out of your garden (other than staking out your garden with dachshunds)
is to use a fence made out of, well, chicken wire? Go figure!

Turns out there is a cure for the ache in the mountain man's knees. Unfortunately? It involves making my knees ache. Sigh.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Movin' Out. Wait. You're Going In the Wrong Direction!

Many years ago, when the three-toed sloth was just a pre-teen sloth, he looked up into my all knowing eyes and asked me (back when I was still the smartest, most intelligent being in his world---amazing how stupid mothers become as kids age, huh?)...Anyway, my pre-pubescent sloth asked me:

"mysuestories-mama? Was the day I was born the happiest day of your life?"

Ahhh, a question to melt any mom across the universe. Of course, I may not be one of those moms.

My answer? "No, my little sloth. The day of your joyous brith was the second happiest day of my life."

"What was the first happiest day of your life, mysuestories-mama?"

"Why, the day you move out." I answered.

And it was. Many, many, many years later, as the sloth sprouted wings in some weird mystical mythological fantasy, and tested his wings and soared right out of our home. No mother was ever more proud. Or happy.

Then there was the yet another day of happiness. I got to clean his old bedroom. Proper, with bleach and rug cleaners, and sweet smelling sprays, in all the ways I had always wanted to, but had been inhibited by mountains of teen-boy paraphernaila and all it's accompanying odors.

And then? Then he came back home. Happiness? Yeh. But that room I cleaned and scoured for weeks? Pig sty in ten minutes. Sigh. Welcome home, indeed, dear sloth.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Stop! Thief!

I received a letter in the mail from a national shipping company thanking me for having recently opened an account with them. That was nice of them. Unfortunately? I have nothing to ship nor receive, and I never opened any account.

I called the company and they verified that I did, in fact, open an account earlier this week with my very own credit card. Hmmm.... I will admit to late night impulsive shoe shopping, and Victoria does know all my dirty little secrets. I will even fess up to the occasional drunk dialing (Hi, Jeannie! I wuv youuuuu somush!), but signing up for a shipping service? Nah...not unless there were shoes in it for me (and? there weren't).

Turns out? Someone borrowed my card number and opened this account. Swine. And after a few more calls I learned he charged $15.00 in iTunes. The bastard.

Cancelled cards. Cancelled transactions. Hours on the phone with credit reporting agencies. Notifying everyone. Major time suck.

But I got him back in the end, the little f@cker! Apparently his attempt to buy $900 worth of electronics? DENIED!!!! Next time the little sh*t should pick on someone with a better credit line!!! Hah!

Oh, and Mr. M@therf#cker who stole my identity (however, short lived as it was)? Next time don't leave your own e mail address and cell phone number with that shipping company. Turns out the police fraud department was able to track you down real easy!

If stupidity was a crime? This guy would be doing life.

Oh, and one of the iTunes he downloaded? The Beatles, I'm A Loser.

Yes. Indeed you are!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What's in a Name...Or.. There But For a Slip of the Click Goes Another Reader...

Okay, I've been negligent on this here blog.....but can anyone, for the love of Christ (are you supposed to capitalize His name if you're taking it in vain?), can any body out there please tell me why, when I type in a Yahoo or Google search for my very own blog, mysuestories, the first three found searches are for My Gay Stories?

I suppose I should probably turn down the heat on the sordid misadventures of the mountain man.......