Friday, July 17, 2009

You Take My Breath Away

Woe, faithful reader. As in woe is me.
I have been missing amongst the blogosphere, and I have returned to you all with the requisite doctor's note.

"Dear Constant Reader(s),
Please forgive mysuestories' abscence from the blogiverse of late. She has been doing a lot
of breathing lately.
The Doctor who Nearly Killed Her With Her Own Breath

Yeh. It's been that kind of week.

It all started last week, when I started waking up in the middle of the night with a little cough and a throat tickle.

"Mountain man? Are you awake?" I scooted over to his side of the bed, carefully placing my icy cold feet on his back. The desired effect has occurred. Mountain man half leaps off the bed, unaware why.
"Huh? Whassamatta?" he manages.
"I can't sleep. Did you hear me coughing?" I then cough for effect. It comes out more as a throat clear than a cough, but hey, he's still half asleep.
" I didn't hear anything. I was sleeping."
That's another thing about mysuestories manor. When I can't sleep? Neither can he. It just seems selfish on his behalf, no?

"Well, I was coughing. And there's tickle in my throat..." I complain continue.
At his non-responsive, once again snoring form while I am awake(!!!) I half nudge him toward the edge of the bed.
"Huh? Whassamatta?" he grumbles again.
" I was telling you how I can't sleep. You know, 'cause of this *cough* cough."
" Why don't you just go back to sleep?"
Seriously? Now why didn't I think of that? Oh. Yeh. "CAUSE THE COUGHING IS KEEPING ME AWAKE!!!!"

Not to worry, oh loyal reader. The mountain man proceeded to get plenty of rest that night, as he went right the f*ck back to sleep! I, on the other hand, spent the next three nights catching a lot of late night infomercials between coughs. (Side note- have ya ever noticed that EVERY SINGLE item sold solely on t.v. -before it gets to the "As Seen On T.V. " section of Walgreens- every item has the same shipping and handling fee of just $6.95. Yep. Just $6.95 to have anything from the latest in Ginsu Knives technology to a new mattress delivered to your door--Be dialing, people!!!!)
After three nights of coughing, (and subsequently waking the mountain man each. and. every. time.), he became concerened over his inability to get a good night's sleep my health.
"Mysuestories, it's time to see a doctor."
"Doctor? Why would I need a doctor?" I replied.
"Because you're sick and I care about you deeply! I can't get any sleep!"
" That's not true, mountain man. I know this because I have had the dubious job of watching you sleep while I am up all night coughing."
"AND you're coughing because YOU ARE SICK!! " Now, I ask you, constant reader, what kind of loving man yells at his beloved when she is obviously sleep depived and denying she is sick to begin with?

Two days (and long Billy Mays filled nights) later, mountain man calls me at work to tell me he has made an appointment for me, to see our doctor that evening at 4:15 p.m.
"But, mountain man, I am not sick!!!"
"Good. Then that's what the doctor (whom I haven't seen in over four years!) will tell you!"
" But, mountain man," I whined. Yeh. I whine. So shoot me. I even whine while I wine. Then again, most wine drinkers do. "I can't possibly make a 4:15 appointment. I won't be home from work tioll at least 4:30..." because at this point? Yeh. No way I was leaving work fifteen minutes early to get to some doctor's appointment I didn't even need!
"I, saviour of the New World and all things Holy, shall go to the doctor's office and sign you in and wait for YOUR appointment . Then YOU can casually show up 20 minutes later as they are ready to call your name." he stated.

Apparently I was not to wiggle out of this too easily.
"Fine. I'll be there," I conceded. But come the end of the day? I left work fifteen minutes later than usual...making me 30 minutes late for the appointment, and hopefully edged out of my time slot!
I arrived at 4:45 for my 4:15 appointment and found the mountain man dutifully sitting in a chair in the waiting room for me. Along with FIVE other patients. Four of whom had been there BEFORE the moutain man arrived at 4:00. (He's a stickler for punctuality, my man, he is!)

Fifteen minutes later, 3 Emergency Medical Technicians come bursting through the outer door, trailing a mobile cot and half of our local volunteer fire department. (It must have been a slow fire day.)
It appears the patient who was holding up the rest of us went into anaphylactic shock from taking someone else's antibiotics inside one of the exam rooms! I mean, just how inconsiderate can one person be? He could have just gone to the emergency room....or suffered silently at home...but no, let's inconvenience all us sick people (Yeh. Once I've already gone to the inconvenience of going to the doctor, I am officially sick).

At SIX O'CLOCK, I am finally called in to see the doctor for my appointment. You know, the appointment that was for 4:15.

Breathe in, breathe out...Blow in to this machine...Suck on this inhaler. Breathe again. Deeply. one more time. By the time I left there, I was all out of breaths. Shit, couldn't they see I was sickly? Jeez.

One chest X ray, a breathing treatment, a steriod prescription, an inhaler, and a script for cough medicine with coedine (SCORE!!!) and I was on my way home.

At 7 pm, I was resting comfortably on my couch, having downed a good couple of swigs from the cough medicine. Yep, it may take me a whole week of just sitting on this couch *cough*cough*, letting the mountain man wait on me...*cough*cough* "I'm so thirsty." "Gee, I could use another pillow..."
I'll teach him to tell me I'm sick!!!!

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