Thursday, June 4, 2009

You Think I'm Hostile Now, Wait'll Tonite!

OK...So I am reading a few of my favorite blogs tonight( What's that, Constant reader? You thought MYSUESTORIES was the ONLY blog in the blogosphere? Why, thank you, kind follower. How nice of you to think so highly of mysuestories. Of course I'd never KNOW THIS from all the comments you DON'T leave me...But I digress..)

Anyway, these blogs are like a box of choc-o-late. You never know what yer gonna git. I generally go for the funny (surprise!), but occasionally you'll catch your favorite blogger in a melancholy mood. Or maybe a lead in to a particularly funny punch line can be a little too much personal information.

This is one of those for me, so faithful friends and family, you may want to click outta here RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

No? Still here? OK, just don't say didn't warn you. (And I mean YOU, Grandma!!!)

OK, for those (the one?) of you still here...

I'm flipping through my usual fave blogs, and I stumble upon one of my daily Internet acquaintances. And today, instead of a cute little story about her kids saying goofy things, or maybe her cat upchucking on company, she decides to share a little ditty from her past.
It appears this particular blogger suffered a small bout of infertility, and was told by her DOCTOR that she had a "hostile cervical environment"!!!!

No shit. You can't make this stuff up. Go ahead and read all about it. I'll wait.

Motherhood in NYC: Baking Soda, Vinegar, Maybe Oil for Flavor?#links

You didn't click, did you? Okay...suffice it to say that this blogger has (had?) a hostile cervical environment, which according to her witchdoctor physician was causing her cervix (I told you this was upfrontandpersonal!) to kill all sperm who enter here, thus leaving her infertile.

Now do ya wanna leave? No? Good.

OK, now I'm certainly no medical doctor, but I am a woman (maybe not a lady, per se, but a woman nevertheless!), and I do know a little something about HCE (otherwise known as Hostile Cervical Environment!

A Hostile Cervical Environment is what fuels my PMS rages seven days prior, seven days during, and fourteen days after a visit from dear ole Aunt Flo!

A Hostile Cervical Environment is how any orifice would respond whose main function is to be stuffed at the whim of "the little" head.

A Hostile Cervical Environment would be any body part forced to squeeze out a kid with a head the size of a watermelon through an opening the size of an orange (I SWEAR!!!! It really was the size of an orange before old Butterball came along!!!))

And lastly (Thank God, you're thinking about now...She's almost done. Your right. I am.).
And lastly....
A Hostile Cervical Environment is what the mountain man faces when he thinks poking me with a particular body part 50 minutes before the alarm goes off is a good idea!

Sheesh...between Aunt Flo, tampons, popping out brats AND having to put up with (for?) pricks all the time, it's no wonder it's a Hostile Environment!!!!


Marinka said...

Great! Now I'm wondering if my cervix is still hostile after all these years. Probably.

Anonymous said...

That was very enjoyable reading!! Thx MYSUESTORIES!!