Sunday, April 4, 2010

Foreign Policy 101: No Habla Engles!

So I am at work, and I and a few fellow colleagues are discussing current events ('cause yeah, we're rocket scientists, and all the world could benefit from our idle chatter). A discussion ensues regarding border patrol and the increasing violence by illegal immigrants and those that ferry them across the desert (Can one actually ferry across a desert? Hmmmm...) . Anyway, it seems that in a recent news clip, ranchers in a border town somewhere north of Mexico (Err, you may want to turn to CNN if you were expecting accurate details...I may have said we were rocket scientists, but that doesn't make us news hawks!)....these ranchers received threats saying that if they did not vacate their homes (which I ASSume were on the path to America), the ranchers' homes would be burned and their families brutalized.

Thus began conversation number two, wherein my very educated think tank and myself proclaim, "Death to all who enter here," not unlike Al Pacino in just about every movie he made in the eighties. Normally quiet mild mannered secretaries, err, rocket scientists, by day, we quickly digressed into the heathens we apparently really are.

And so, it had been decided that heavily armed "Shoot first, ask questions later" border patrols should be entrenched from sea to shining sea. (Why, yes, we COULD double as the welcoming committee to Ellis Island!)....

And then, as I usually do AFTER I have spoken my mind, I started to think.....The mountain man and I and our lovely unbiased (really, they are!!) children have traveled quite a bit. We have even visited Mexico not that long ago. Mountain Man and I even took unguided horseback rides on the glorious beaches there.

What if.....What if (and I'm not sure we didn't) What if mountain man and I were romantically galloping upon our steeds, and we had veered off course a wee bit. It COULD happen. Hell, it happens damn near every time I attempt to drive anywhere new. Here we would be, eyes filled with nothing but undying (keyword: UNdying) love for one another, and then I'd see men on horseback in the distance.

"Mountain man....Look..I see men on horseback in the distance." I am nothing if not a stickler for following a script.
"Mmmmmhmmmmm." He would respond.
"Why, mountain man, whatever are they carrying?"
"Those, mysuestories, would be rifles. Are you sure you know where we are going?
"Of course, I do. Maybe they are just out hunting. You know...for beach caribou, or something..."
"They are hunting, mysuestories.....They are heading right for us!!!!! And they are shooting RIGHT AT US".

We would then have to very expertly outrun these professional hired gunslingers and hide out in some run down shack somewhere in Texas, where at nightfall, my beloved mountain man and I would have to sneak over the border INTO Mexico........

Yeah. Maybe I should just stay away from making foreign policy and take a nice course in direction telling by the north star instead.


Alternate ending:

Mysuestories is accidentally injured while trying to outrun the American bandoleros with the mountain man....In a strange twist of fate, the mountain man is forced to smuggle mysuestories into Canada to take advantage of their affordable health care....WE have now become the illegal immigrants...and I can only say, "Thank God Canada does not shoot first and ask questions later!"

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