Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Scratch This Itch!!!!!!

We are a "big box store" family. We buy, eat , and shit in bulk. (Why else would any store sell toilet paper rolls in sets of 62?) With three boys (men? Man childs? At what age do they become adults in their own right?) plus the mountain man and myself, big lot stores are definitely a big part of our shopping experience. Why buy one pound of ravioli when you can purchase seven pounds all in one bag?

Point being, there is good justification for shopping for detergents by the barrel full. Many a family makes good use of reduced pricing in exchange for using that extra bedroom as a storage closet. I mean, where the hell am I supposed to store eight packages of 1000 count napkins, anyway?

On the flip side of my own little argument here (Argument? Who was arguing? - I was, dammit, now shut up and slink back into the far reaches of my mind, you meddling disorder, you!)----- Sorry, I digress....

As beneficial as buying rice by the ton is for families such as ours, there ought to be some rules to accompany membership into the gluttony purchasing club. For example, if you are single and over the age of seventy, it ought to be considered elder abuse for management to cash that $50.00 membership fee.

Case in point... This past weekend, the mysuestories clan were fortunate enough to have been invited to revel in the gloriousness of the Fourth of July at a dear friend's house. Said friend, Joe, is approaching ninety and lives alone.(And he throws a helluva party!-Again, irrelevant but we did have a great time! Nobody can party like a bunch of retired seniors with no where to go for, oh say, about six months-)

At one point, (some where between five Bud lights and two Bahama Mama's -hey, I'm patriotic- I was celebrating--- Not to mention helping to stimulate the economy of our local neighborhood liquor outlet!---Hey, don't judge. ) I excused myself to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, I did what gracious guests every where do, I sized up the room. And was I rewarded with a tidbit upon which to ponder while I was, um, er, pondering? I was. Upon the sink's counter I spied this:
From New Window

(And yes, I do take my camera with me every where, even the loo.- Hey, one never knows when something blog picture worthy will occur!)
Yep. A brand spanking new 10 pack of toothbrushes. For a ninety year old. At 1 new brush every six months? Shit, he and his pearly whites will probably be brushing right up at the pearly gates! With a few to spare!!!! Ya gotta love the optimism, though.

So, later that evening, as I share the adventures of my trip, trip, trip to the loo with the mountain man---yeh, I know. It doesn't get any better than that, friends- Isn't love just grand?!- I share my photographic prowess with him, and we come upon the pack of toothbrushes for every occasion.

"Imagine, mountain man, " I marveled, " It says a lot about a person when you're buying a long lasting item like toothbrushes in bulk at that age!"

"Yeh, mysuestories. It speaks volumes. About Joe. And senility. He's had false teeth since for at least 30 years. He doesn't brush them. He soaks them. Like in a cup. Over night. Must be like a phantom pain," my hunk of too much information continues, " You know, like if some one's had a limb removed but it still itches...They say ( And, NO, dear reader, do NOT ask who they is!) that if a person truly believes the limb is there, they really do feel that itch, and can even "see" it there! You CAN actually wish an appendage to life!"

Hmmm. I wonder if I should have mentioned the 1,000 pack of individually wrapped Trojans I just slipped in the mountain man's night stand drawer. Size XXL.

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