Friday, April 17, 2009

When Love Come's A Calling......

There comes a time when an opportunity finally presents itself, and you simply must seize the moment and leap into a conversation with your teenager about some of the trials of making it through adulthood.

This week, I was fortunate enough to find myself in the perfect situation to discuss the value of romantic relationships, and the responsibilities and all the baggage that comes with them, to our 18 yr old three toed sloth. And it all started with a cell phone bill.

My husband received our family plan cell phone bill last week. Our Verizon Wireless account, which links four cell phones of mysuestories manor ( our oldest member of the manor, number one son? Wouldn't be caught dead without his iPhone. Thus, in a burst of Independence, he broke away from the familial cell phone structure and ventured out onto his own with his own service AND his own bill. ( I know, dear reader, it makes me all teary eyed, too!!!! Sigh, they grow soooo fast, don't they?)

Again, (as usual?) I digress. So the mountain man opens our standard Verizon Wireless bill that weighs in each month at about $160.00. Unfortunately, this bill weighed in a bit heavier. A lot heavier. This bill had gained weight like Oprah in a feeding frenzy. It was that big.

$396.07 B-I-G.

I could actually hear the mountain man's blood pressure rising through the phone line when he called me at work to scream bloody murder share the news. Note: This is the FAMILY version of that conversation. Trust me when I say this is Sponge Bob compared to Linda Lovelace's "Deep Throat" when making the comparison of what really went down!

He: "Uh, mysuestories, isn't that awfully high for a cell phone bill?"
mysuestories: "Ummm..."
He: " Obviously, there must be an error that I am sure you can straighten out with logic and patience."
mysuestories: "Of course, my sweet Ba boo. Let me make a quick, rational phone call to that kindly service provider, and straighten out this wee issue."
He: "Thank you so much, mysuestories. You are the ultimate answer to all things living in the world."

OK, so the live version was peppered with a little more volume and a lot more expletives. Let my sweet little head remember this exchange the way it wants to. (That little ability also makes for a much happier marriage!)

So I proceeded to call Lucifer's right hand men Verizon Wireless, and spent the next forty-five minutes either on hold or explaining my plight to an entirely different person. At the end of my rope the day, mysuestories learned a few things.

1) Our three toed sloth had made 1300 minutes of out of network calling (and that was with nights and weekend free!)

2) Our sharing (hah!) plan contains a total of 1400 minutes for all four of us.

3) If you present a logical argument, and cry, beg, plead, and risk losing all dignity, Verizon will in fact credit away everything. As. If. It. Never. Happened.

This last one, constant reader(s)? Leads me to believe they know they are screwing you to begin with!!!!! Without so much as a complimentary glass of wine, first!

I then proceeded to go to their on line service and printed out a fifty-one page phone bill (!?!) listing each and every single call.

Armed with a phonebook sized wad of the three-toed sloth's phone accounting, I
attacked quietly approached our crazed teen dialer, whose fingers must be calloused from dialing all those numbers!

Together, we tried to determine what had changed since the previous months' usages of a mere seven or eight hundred minutes.

And lo, and behold! A discussion of teenage lust a young man's fancies comes to light. It appears that in the midst of the past month's cell phone billing cycle, The sloth had broken ties with his sweetheart (a nice girl, I might add,) whom I adored, and who had Verizon Wireless Service ( which endeared her even more to mysuestories.

Our sloth, an apparent trampoline expert in relationships, took all of five minutes to find another object of his affection. She, too, was a nice girl, and once again, I adored her. It turns out, thought, that this sweet, smiling new cherub was actually hoarding a very deep and dark secret. She was *gasp* a Sprint follower.
And every single minute of every single word they spoke was costing me forty cents a minute!!!!!!
To the tune of $396.07.

Well, as the dear, sweet God of Eros would have it, by the time that bill arrived? Our little sloth had for reasons not yet revealed, broken up with lovely #2, and was once again dating lovely #1, a confirmed Verizon Wireless Service user.

Having once again, no fear of a repeat cell phone bill to rival a CEO'S bonus, the sloth and I discussed the importance of young wander lust, and how as a responsible, proper young man, one of his very first inquiries into approaching a new relationship should absolutely be, "Who is your cellular phone provider?"

It's important to make the most of sharing life's lessons with one's children. And mysuestories knows it's also important to know how to lower the mountain man's blood pressure. And I ain't afraid to cry, beg, or shamelessly plead, nor defile myself if necessary in order to do so for the good of my in plan network!!!!!


Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

impressed are you?


Very funny, mountain man!!!


extremely impressed by your elecronic prowess,, though!

Christine said...

argh! Maybe we should give your child the cell phone with the parental controls that I won. =P
It is remarkable what they'll credit though, isn't it? Especially when your out of contract.