Thursday, April 30, 2009

This Little Piggy Went to Work!

Today at work I found a memo (we just love memos here at mysuestories money plant!), and this particular memo advised employees to wash hands more frequently amongst other suggestions in order to combat the flying pig flu that is currently gripping our city.

Symptons of swine flu (as described by Money Plant MANAGEMENT): "include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigues. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting....."

Shit, reader(s)! I currently have a cough and sore throat (along with 10 million other allergy sufferers!). My body aches! It's always freezing in my cubicle! And fatigue? I haven't not been fatigued in eighteen years! Do I feel like vomiting? Every time I pass the kids' rooms!!!!!

Swine flu? Hardly. Hell. I've eaten pigs for breakfast! (And so have you, I'm sure!)

So, what's a girl to do?
From Party Time

Cover up that cough and get on with her day!!!!!

Oh, and that cute little mask I'm sporting? Made in Mexico. I'm thinking conspiracy!!!

disclaimer: No animals were hurt in the making of this post. Er, except for the little piggy that was part of my breakfast. What can I say? I'm a carnivore. Sigh.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Show Me The Money, Already!!!!!!

OK, I am still here and working. My first round of lottery tickets purchased with a group of friends at work has been a complete bust. Not so much as a free ticket. Sigh.

The Mountain Man still has to check his group work tickets, and then we bought a few of our own he will check later.

I don't know if I will be happier to just have won my (yes, I am sure it is mine, already!), or will I be pissed that I had to work another day before I found out? Probably both. I'm moody that way.

Not to worry, lottery Gods. I will still feed the children of Dar fur. I may even send our kids there for a while. Just so they can see what it's like not to have a stocked pantry and full fridge to stand in front of while whining, "There's never anything to eat here!" I'll shoe them life without hot pockets and everything bagels with cream cheese and bacon! Bastards!

Hmmm..suddenly I have an urge for bagels......(Apparently I have a highly suggestive brain!) Sigh. I shoulda wished for the money instead. Less calories!

Keep the faith, constant reader(s)! We (meaning I of course, still have a chance to be ruined by money, money. money!!!!!!!1

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mama Needs A New Pair Of Shoes

OK, faithful reader, I am so over the blow from AdSense and Google yesterday. (And I tell ya, it really did B-L-O-W!!!)...Anyway, back to happier times....

We here in my neck of the woods have a state lottery drawing that is up to about $180 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!! Wooo Hooo! With THAT kind of ca ching, I could pay myself to advertise on my own blog, and I would let myself click away as much as I damned well pleased! --Oops, maybe I wasn't quite over that whole Google Blows Bullshit after all. I'm better now. No really. I am. Just a temporary set back......Back to our story....
Ah, yes.... $180 million dollars....I would come to work just one more day, and surprisingly, I will have developed Turret's just for THAT day. Boss comes in to say "Good morning, mysuestories,"? And you would hear nothing from me but "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" ALL day long!!!!! (another plus to no ads.....No language barrier here to be wary of !!!!---And YES I AM over it, I was just saying, is all!)

That $180 million, though, that is blog from around the world money...I would just live on room service and relate to you, constant reader, of the magical mystery travels that would become this blog's fodder! (Ya didn't think I was just going to up and leave ya hanging here, did you, dear reader? Over a measly $180 million dollars? Nah. Maybe, though, for $185 million....I just hope I get the chance to be ruined by that much money!!!!!!
I'd literally be in shoe heaven!!!!
So, besides buying Google and firing their entire detective/goon squad, what would you do with $180 million?

(Oh, and dear reader, if you should win, and I don't by some wee chance? I can be bought! Cheaply, too!)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Google Adsense. Tanks For Nuttin' !!!!

Well, readers, now I've really gone and done it!!!!Notice anything new about how mysuestories looks today? Anything missing?

What's that, dear reader? Oh, that's right...where are all those little bitty ads that were going to support mysuestories' early retirement? Why, whatever happened to them, you ask?

Well, I'll tell you what happened to all those itsy bitsy google ads. They were banned from mysuestories. And do you know why adsense was banned (or was it mysuestories who was banned from adsense?--Oh well, either or). The reason Adsense and mysuestories are no longer a couple? Because the ads were being clicked on. (Wsn't that the whole point????)
The ads were clicked on by my kids when they read the blog, my hubby when he read the blog, and some times, even by mysuestories when I read the blog!!!!
So, apparently in the mind of Goggle and all that is unholy in the world today, those little ads? Not so good to click on. Apparently authors are not allowed to surf the web through their own site, and shopping on line should never be to my own benefit, yet it's okay to shop through another person's ads!!!!?????
Are you still with me, here, constant reader? "cause I gotta tell you, the world of Google and Adsense? Seem's a little contradictory to me right now.
So, I guess I'll just be writing these silly little tales here for the fun I started it all for to begin with. And Googl Adsense? You can KMA (huh, reader, not familiar with that little acronym? Why it means KISS MY ASS!!!!

Screw it. Who wants to retire early anyway? Sigh.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Spring! It's Not Just For Flip Flops

Yesterday's post hailed the wonderous season for flip flops. This caused quite the commotion in mysuestories closet. So, in order to bring fairness
and harmony to those who were slighted yesterday, I present to you a second edition of what shall hereon be known as myshoestories:

First we have these little lovelies:
From Party Time

Great for short walks and dancing!

Every good shoe collection simply must include on pair of ridiculously dangerous black heels!
From Party Time

Again, long walks, not particularly popular with these.

Summer wouldn't be complete without a little 5 inch white heel!
From Party Time

Or two....
From Party Time

We've got sandals and tan heels:
From Party Time

And strappy chunky heels too!
From Party Time

Of course, all this thinking about shoes....well, it's like waving a bottle in front of an alcoholic.....I did what any other self respecting shoe maven would do. I went shopping....
And came home with these:
From Party Time

Say hello to my little friends!

Pshew. Maybe now the tongues in my closet will stop screaming at the flip flops for equal blogging rights. Now, if only the boots would stop putting
their foot down!!!!!!

Sigh. What's an addict to do?
Did somebody say pedicure?
I'm gone.

And reader, thanks for listening to the voices in my closet. (They are in the closet, aren't they?)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Spring Is In The Air

Spring is definitely on it's way. I can tell, too. It's here in these fresh flowers the mountain man planted by the front door:

From Party Time

And by the back door:
From Party Time

( He knows I just love seeing fresh flowers when I come home- he's a suck up that way, and I adore him for that!)

I can see spring here:
From Party Time

Notice the hard dark ground has been turned and outlined? Just waiting for the mountain man and I to plant our garden. Since we won't be having any fruit from our loins together, we have decided to cherish the vegetables from our dirt, which is much more our style!

More importantly, I can see spring here:
From Party Time

What can I say? Apparently face book is not my only addiction! So many flip flops, so little feet. I should have been a centipede!

**disclaimer: Due to the high incidence of piracy paranoia (Ooh, I like that one!) in the blogosphere lately, let me just say that I have seen other posts of sandals lately, but none as pretty as mine! (OK! I may be just a tad prejudicial! But these words and those flip flops? All mine, baby!)

Oh, and constant reader? Thanks for coming by!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Flattery. It Does An Ego Good!

About 10 years, twenty pounds, and a truckload of hair dye ago, I made plans with my then -husband and his friend to meet up at the local saloon. (Imagine that! A saloon---Bet you Never saw that coming!)
The ex and his buddy were helping fix the ovens for our upcoming church bazaar (bizarre? You could say that if you knew them!) , and we agreed to meet at a prearranged time. In. The. Saloon.
Now, if there's one thing I'm NOT a fan of, it's me being in a bar alone. (I didn't say I wouldn't do it. Just that it doesn't thrill me. It reeks of desperation. Or worse. Thirsty and friendless.

Anyway, so I show up at the predetermined time. All by myself. On time. I'm big on punctuality. I know. I have issues. On with the story.

At this particular saloon, we have a friend who bar tends (let's call him , oh, I don't know, how about Mike?). Anyhow, Mike is behind the bar, and there are maybe five guys spread out along the bar. I am the only female in the place. Great.

I sit in a corner at the end, and Mike serves me a drink, and I'm waiting for the ex and friend to show up. For over an hour. I'm even doing a cross word in the goddamn paper already!

And then it dawns on me. In the hour I've been sitting there, the only female in the place, not one guy has talked to me, offered to buy me a drink, nothing! (Not that I wanted someone to buy me a drink, but, you know, it's always nice to be asked!)

Another half hour goes by and the ex and his friend show up from a different bar (misunderstanding---yeah, right!). And I am recounting my last hour and a half to them. And as Mike the bartender listens, I tell them that, geez, I'm the only girl in the place and not one guy said so much as hello.
At which point Mike says, "Oh, no, mysuestories (Of course, this was before I was mysuestories-but you get the picture). A couple of guys asked me to send you over cocktails, but I told them to stay away from you because you are my friend's wife."

Well, Geez, Mike, At least ya coulda told me that as I was sitting there thinking I need a whole makeover or something!!!!!!
Anyway, moral of the story? It's always flattering to be flattered.

Which brings me to my real story today. All over the blogosphere today there is talk of a certain blog person (OK. It's Miss Musings - I can't keep a secret...keep that in mind, constant reader!), anyway, this blog person takes material from lots of other blogs (like cjane enjoy it and Velveteen Mind and The Jet Set, and apparently some others as well) and then she copies them nearly word for word and claims them as her own stories. Yep. This person plagiarizes these silly little blog posts where people are not graded, but rather just sharing a little piece of yourself. Go figure.
Not only that, dear reader. There's more. MissMusings? Had like 500 followers AND tons of comments telling her how wonderful she writes (Right about now, dear lurking readers, you should begin to feel guilty about not leaving me enough comments.....Comments are to bloggers as orgasms are to sex. Just trust me on that one!)
And so, back to my dismaying dilemma. I scanned quickly through all the stories of all the posts on the Internet today of all the bloggers that MissMusings was stealing from. And there were plenty. And boy, were they pissed!
And guess what? Not one of the hijacked stories were mine. Sigh. I felt like I was back in that saloon all those years ago.

Maybe it's Mike, again. Keeping all those blog pirates away from my posts here. No? He's still bar tending? Dangit!

Rejection. Sigh.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Little Mother/Son Vacation? Not Likely!

Our eighteen year old three toed sloth mentioned to me that he had entered a contest to win a trip for two on a romantic couples escape vacation. Not only did he enter this, his very first contest, but he was absolutely positive he was going to be the winner out of tens of thousands of nationwide entries! And the drawing was to be held that day. And, he was checking his computer every five minutes for the results of such a wonderfully gifted contest!

For a kid who has to be prodded to leave a burning house, his enthusiasm was encouraging. So encouraging, that I, as his mother, felt it was my duty, no, make that my God given right by having spawned him, to set him straight about winning such a contest.

"You know, Sloth," I began gently, 'cause, I am -(gentle as grizzly!), ya know, millions and millions of people enter those contests all the time. Only One teeny tiny person's entry gets chosen."
"Some one's got to win, right? May as well be me, right?" Where this kid gets his optimism, I'll never know. I've tried to raise my kids to set their sights low, and this way, anything above "This Totally Sucks" would be a win. Smart, thinking, huh, reader?

Not to be deterred, I switched tactics.
"You know, Sloth, you may be eligible to win this trip, but who would you take? Your girlfriend is under eighteen, and I'm sure they wouldn't accept liability for a minor on a giveaway." I let that set in his mind for a moment, and then I went in for the kill.
"Sloth, you could take me! Just think, we could go out on the Sunset Cruise Ride with all the other "young" couples! They'd be sharing frozen drinks, and I'd be complaining how cold it is..."Oh, Sloth, it's very, very cold...fetch me a sweater, would you, dearie?"
"And think, when everyone else is playing silly pool side games, I could yell from my perch on a lounge chair, "Slothy, I need a pill. Can ya get me a pill for what ails me?" Very Norman Batesque! "'Course I would be wearing one of my from the neck to knees one piece bathing suits UNDER my best house coat!"

The sloth visibly paled and headed up for the sanctity of his bedroom.

Later, when he came down for dinner, I asked if he had gotten the results from the contest yet.
"No," replied a much more relieved Sloth. " I emailed and asked them to withdraw my name from the contest. Then I deleted their web site from my laptop. I'm never going to enter another contest again! There IS no winning in this one, anyway! "

Ahhhh....Another lesson taught by mysuestories! I tell ya, raising kids DOES have it's rewards. And, if you're really lucky, every once in a while you get to mess with their heads! Heh!

Friday, April 17, 2009

When Love Come's A Calling......

There comes a time when an opportunity finally presents itself, and you simply must seize the moment and leap into a conversation with your teenager about some of the trials of making it through adulthood.

This week, I was fortunate enough to find myself in the perfect situation to discuss the value of romantic relationships, and the responsibilities and all the baggage that comes with them, to our 18 yr old three toed sloth. And it all started with a cell phone bill.

My husband received our family plan cell phone bill last week. Our Verizon Wireless account, which links four cell phones of mysuestories manor ( our oldest member of the manor, number one son? Wouldn't be caught dead without his iPhone. Thus, in a burst of Independence, he broke away from the familial cell phone structure and ventured out onto his own with his own service AND his own bill. ( I know, dear reader, it makes me all teary eyed, too!!!! Sigh, they grow soooo fast, don't they?)

Again, (as usual?) I digress. So the mountain man opens our standard Verizon Wireless bill that weighs in each month at about $160.00. Unfortunately, this bill weighed in a bit heavier. A lot heavier. This bill had gained weight like Oprah in a feeding frenzy. It was that big.

$396.07 B-I-G.

I could actually hear the mountain man's blood pressure rising through the phone line when he called me at work to scream bloody murder share the news. Note: This is the FAMILY version of that conversation. Trust me when I say this is Sponge Bob compared to Linda Lovelace's "Deep Throat" when making the comparison of what really went down!

He: "Uh, mysuestories, isn't that awfully high for a cell phone bill?"
mysuestories: "Ummm..."
He: " Obviously, there must be an error that I am sure you can straighten out with logic and patience."
mysuestories: "Of course, my sweet Ba boo. Let me make a quick, rational phone call to that kindly service provider, and straighten out this wee issue."
He: "Thank you so much, mysuestories. You are the ultimate answer to all things living in the world."

OK, so the live version was peppered with a little more volume and a lot more expletives. Let my sweet little head remember this exchange the way it wants to. (That little ability also makes for a much happier marriage!)

So I proceeded to call Lucifer's right hand men Verizon Wireless, and spent the next forty-five minutes either on hold or explaining my plight to an entirely different person. At the end of my rope the day, mysuestories learned a few things.

1) Our three toed sloth had made 1300 minutes of out of network calling (and that was with nights and weekend free!)

2) Our sharing (hah!) plan contains a total of 1400 minutes for all four of us.

3) If you present a logical argument, and cry, beg, plead, and risk losing all dignity, Verizon will in fact credit away everything. As. If. It. Never. Happened.

This last one, constant reader(s)? Leads me to believe they know they are screwing you to begin with!!!!! Without so much as a complimentary glass of wine, first!

I then proceeded to go to their on line service and printed out a fifty-one page phone bill (!?!) listing each and every single call.

Armed with a phonebook sized wad of the three-toed sloth's phone accounting, I
attacked quietly approached our crazed teen dialer, whose fingers must be calloused from dialing all those numbers!

Together, we tried to determine what had changed since the previous months' usages of a mere seven or eight hundred minutes.

And lo, and behold! A discussion of teenage lust a young man's fancies comes to light. It appears that in the midst of the past month's cell phone billing cycle, The sloth had broken ties with his sweetheart (a nice girl, I might add,) whom I adored, and who had Verizon Wireless Service ( which endeared her even more to mysuestories.

Our sloth, an apparent trampoline expert in relationships, took all of five minutes to find another object of his affection. She, too, was a nice girl, and once again, I adored her. It turns out, thought, that this sweet, smiling new cherub was actually hoarding a very deep and dark secret. She was *gasp* a Sprint follower.
And every single minute of every single word they spoke was costing me forty cents a minute!!!!!!
To the tune of $396.07.

Well, as the dear, sweet God of Eros would have it, by the time that bill arrived? Our little sloth had for reasons not yet revealed, broken up with lovely #2, and was once again dating lovely #1, a confirmed Verizon Wireless Service user.

Having once again, no fear of a repeat cell phone bill to rival a CEO'S bonus, the sloth and I discussed the importance of young wander lust, and how as a responsible, proper young man, one of his very first inquiries into approaching a new relationship should absolutely be, "Who is your cellular phone provider?"

It's important to make the most of sharing life's lessons with one's children. And mysuestories knows it's also important to know how to lower the mountain man's blood pressure. And I ain't afraid to cry, beg, or shamelessly plead, nor defile myself if necessary in order to do so for the good of my in plan network!!!!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Envelope Please.......

The winner of the NAME THAT LAPTOP is..........

Lappy Toppy

submitted by David S. David, email me your addresss for your wonderful prize!
From Contests and Giveaways

David, you're going to smell sooooo good!!!!

Hereon, this laptop shall be known as Lappy Toppy (Lappy for short)!!!!!

Thanks, everyone,(all SIX of you!) for entering AND reading.....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

And The Winner Is....

Doesn't this feel just like the Oscars? Every (sigh) one of you...waiting to hear Who Won The Name The Lap Top Contest At mysuestories.....

Well, there were soooo many to choose from (yeah, right...thank God lurkers count in ad payouts, cause if I EVER had to count on the actual comments of my readers? (besides a few stalkers -- Thankyouverymuch!)....

Any how....The winner is......
stay tuned.... winner actually posted tomorrow morning.. sorry..... I AM that undependable... actually just looking for a few good last minute entries...PLEASE!!!!

mysuestories Very First Contest!!!!

OK readers! We are a mere hour away from the close of mysuestories very first con

Last chance......NAME THAT LAPTOP!!!!!!!!

See original post here:
MYSUESTORIES: Contest Update

And thanks, dear reader(s) for stopping by!!!!

Worse Than Me Being Wrong? He's Right Again!

So, constant reader, I've been feeling a little under the weather lately. Actually, aren't we all always under the weather? Other wise, we would never get wet when it rained, or have to drive in snowstorms, 'cause we'd be over the weather? Are you still with me, reader(s)? Or are you thinking that maybe today is the day mysuestories has completely lost her marbles? Or maybe you're just sticking around because today may be the day mysuestories has completely lost her marbles? (I know I would!)

Regardless of why you are still here (You are still here, no?), well, if you are, then I've got the next three minutes to either entertain you or bore the living crap out of you. It's a gamble, but then, I'm a gambling woman. Roll those dice.

So, twenty some odd sentences ago, I started bitching sharing my tale of woe on how I haven't been feeling well. I rolled into work, 'cause I'm that devoted (to the $$$, that is!). But just because I was at my post (posting, as it were) did not mean I was going to be happy about it. And if there's one thing mysuestories
does not do, is keep things to herself. (No shit, Sherlock!)

The cause of my angst was a piercing headache I'd had for going on two days. This was odd for two reasons.

1) I never get headaches. And
2) The only piercings I sport are one on each ear. Yeah, I'm a rebel. I know.

Now, since my sniveling was not confined to working hours, the mountain man had already put on his doctor's lab coat and proclaimed that my head ache was probably a sinus irritation from a cold or allergies. To which I whined dutifully replied I have never had allergies, and I would surely know if I had a cold, thankyouverymuch!

Anyway, half way through my complaining work day, my esteemed colleague-IE: the poor woman sitting directly in front of me offered me a couple of cold tablets. Since the four Advil I'd swallowed that morning did absolutely nothing, I gladly choked back a few more pills.

Within an hour, the headache was gone (Can I get a Hallelujah?), and had been replaced with, well, a cold.
I was now sniffling and sneezing on top of my sniveling and whining. I mean, hell, what did I expect? I took a cold pill and got a cold, right?
Thanks, old colleague of mine. Oh well, at least she's in the direct line of my germ spewing, faucet like nose!

On top of that I had to go home and once again tell the mountain man he was friggin' right. Oh, I tried to hold in the sniffling and sneezing and red eyes, but it was either own up to my cold or confess to being a closet junkie. I looked that bad!


Thank God I didn't ask for baby aspirin!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

When Is a Flower Not A Flower?

It has been confirmed by The Guiness Book of World Records that the longest living dog right now is 21 years old. (That's 147, to you and me, Lorne Greene!) As if having a dog who surely must be wearing Depends diapers at the very best scenario is not bad enough, said dog is a dauschund.
Those of you who know mysuestories, (and if you DO NOT,why the heck aren't you reading more?) you are well aware of our doggy threesome. In. Every. Sense. Of. The. Word.

From Doggy Do Doggy

You are probably also well aware that the mountain man has about as much love for these mongrels as he does for dengue fever. (Although, they could be classified as Mounting Dogs (at least Mickey-the little red one.) Bruno would technically be a Mounted Dog. Mountain Man....Mounting dogs...I dunno, I feel a connection here. Obviously one that surpasses the mountain man's heart of iron when it comes to our pooches.

Anyway, the mountain man DOES have a heart when it comes to our children, and hence the dogs have yet to end up in a soup pot thus far.....But if they ever do, I promise, it will appear in recipe form at "In The Kitchen With The Mountain Man" .

However, now faced with the knowledge that we may well be facing another DECADE with these dogs, lets just say, mysuestories and the mountain man have made a pact that we wouldn't bring any other animals into the household. After all, we will have raised and kicked out/ groomed into self supporting adults our children, and these dogs might still be alive!!!!! And possibly in diapers, or little wheel chair contraptions that they will drag along behind them when their legs are too feeble and frail to carry them. Jeez, the mountain man and I haven't even agreed to care for one another like that, no less these useless mongrels!!!

So it was mutually agreed upon that no other animals, fish, snakes, geckos, lizards, spiders, ants ( die, mother f*ckers! I HATE ants!) would take up residence at mysuestories manor.

And then came Easter morning. And the mountain man and our gaming expert/xbox addict ran an unexpected errand. They returned with this:

From In The Kitchen

And this:

From In The Kitchen

All this on top of this one received the day before from Miss Patty and family. (Aw, shucks, thanks guys, I love you, too.)

From In The Kitchen

Aren't they just gorgeous flowers? The average woman would embrace her man and man child and smother them with kisses. Not mysuestories. I immediately got suspicious!

Well of course you would think they were simply flowers, wouldn't you, dear reader. But in fact, they were not. They were a distraction to keep me from noticing the OTHER item the gamester and mountain man snuck in the house.

They also bought a living, breathing this!
From Easter and cooking

It's A Venus Fly Trap!

Apparently Killer(as he is so far undeservedly named) will grow a mouth (or three!)with lots of little teeth that will eat bugs that have the misfortune to think he is just another pretty flower to pollinate, or raw chopmeat handfed by our gaming addict who is apparently willing to learn how to play Xbox with missing fingers!!!!

Later, I grabbed the mountain man by the neck and asked him how he could cave in so easily, that what if next time the kid wanted a cat(blech) or worse, a turtle that might outlive us all! And his answer?

"mysuestories, when this thing grows," stated the object of my affections," maybe it will like hot dogs as well as chop meat."

Pure genius, he is! Now all I gotta do is find hot dog buns big enough for dauchshunds!!!!

Thanks for reading, constant reader!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Mr. Fix-It

The mountain man has been very busy planning our Easter feast. (He did let me hold the coupons at the market!) However, in the midst of all his shopping and cooking, he decided to change an outdated fan/light in our bedroom with a new light he purchased that matched the decor a bit better.
This is what the original fan/light looked like:
From Easter and cooking

This is what the new light looks like:
From Easter and cooking

We people who chop wood for heat tend to be very energy efficient!

This is what the new light looks like after the mountain man installed it all by himself!
From Easter and cooking

And no, dear reader, those are NOT meds for the electrically challenged on his ladder. That is actually the part of his tool box that contains miscellaneous screws---none of which was the right size for the job!
And that dear reader, is why the mountain man's link to this blog is called In The Kitchen with the Mountain Man and NOT Let's Try To Fix Sh*t Ourselves!

But, boy, can he cook!!!!! (AND he's soooo cute!)

Oh, and constant reader? Have a Happy Easter/ Passover. And thanks for reading!
From Easter and cooking

Friday, April 10, 2009

Contest Update

OK, constant reader.... there have been some blog lurkers chiming in with names for my "Name the Laptop" MYSUESTORIES: Mysuestories' Very First Contest!!!
contest on Facebook.
I'm going to share them here, and you can feel free to comment on these, or come up with a few of your can continue to simply lurk there in the shadows of my laptop musings, and let me go on believing I am amusing simply an audience of one (Thank you, Christine!)

Anyway...David S. offered up three choices.
1- Lappytoppy
2- Vito
3- Siobahn

I gotta tell ya, by the time I got to number three, I was concerned for David S.' well being!

Now Rosa also chimed in on facebook with Lapadoodle. Not bad, huh? But it's no Siobahn (thank the gods of wireless internet!!)

And of course, actually IN comments, is Christine, with.....Betty. Now, lots of mysuestories personal friends (WHO PROBABLY DON'T EVEN READ THIS EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD!!!) know how I feel about THAT one. But Christine also offered up Hal. AND she was THE ONLY ONE so far to post in comments,,,so she's got quite a lot going for her, besides the fact that I've known her longer than I've been coloring my hair> (Yea-- that long!!!!
So chime in, readers, and lurkers alike...
What should I name my dear laptop?????

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Take Me Out To the Ball Game? Not Before Lunch!

Certain songs evoke specific emotions and behaviours in people. It's true. Put on an old Bruce Springsteen ballad, and I'm sure to be driving way over the speed limit, hand surfing as I sing along at the top of my (very out of key) lungs!

Playing a little Marvin Gaye? You know somebody's gonna be gettin' it on.

Back to the 70's...Play a little Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, and I'm scrubbing the floors. (Weird, no? But that damned "Our House"? Gets me every time! ) Needless to say, I usually hide that CD till springtime. Oh, and constant reader? Let's just keep that little secret here, safely away from the mountain man's prying eyes, OK? Thanks.

My real weakness song, though....The Star Spangled Banner. Crazy? Yes. But true. Years ago, the only time I ever heard that song was at the beginning of a sporting event, with most of the audience lip-syncing through words they barely knew.

Now? Since 9/11, every single radio station plays that song precisely at noon, as a show of the solidarity of the American people. I'm all for this kind of camaraderie. Really. For the first couple of years, hearing that song would get me all teary eyed. I looked forward to that warm feeling that the people of America were once again united together.

But eventually, I realized I was nothing more than Pavlov's dog. Now, I hear those first notes of The Star Spangled Banner, and before you can sing, "Oh say can you see..." I'm running to grab my lunch. The entire nation is banding together, and all I can think about is , "What did the mountain man pack me for lunch?" (Yea, I know. I'm spoiled that way.)

I'm telling you, it's gotten so bad, I'm afraid to go to a baseball game for fear of attacking the hot dog hawker "by dawn's early light"!

Some how, in my very convoluted, paranoid reasoning, I'm thinking this was the whole plan by Bin Laden from the start. First, a devastating attack. Then, they lull us into a sense of false security and togetherness by plying us with an American anthem. Then, while we are all running for our lunches, our human bodies are replaced with Stepford-like pods.

Time to start building the underground bunker? Maybe. Time to increase mysuestories meds? Definitely. But just to be on the safe side? I'm starting to eat my lunch at 11:30. Somebody has got to be on watch when they come with the pods at noon time!

Again, thanks for reading, dear reader. And don't forget to enter our first mysuestories contest here:

MYSUESTORIES: Mysuestories' Very First Contest!!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Will Not Beg! I Will Not Beg!!!!!

OK! This mysuestories contest has been a complete bust so far, ( and while many of you may think anything to do with any hint of boobies is a good thing-this is NOT that kind of bust!! ) this is the bad kind...
As in I have not had even ONE lousy suggestion in the naming of my dearest lap top! Even the Mountain Man hasn't chimed in. (Well, he claimed he submitted a response, but apparently he didn't realize you had to click on the submit button to do so---do ya see what I'm working with here, people?)
Anyway, out of pure self pity and shame, I am extending this same g*ddang contest for yet another week.
Somebody, please!!! Submit a name for dear lappy and put me out of this misery already!
As promised, you can star in your very own personally written by mysuestories tale. Or better yet, I can slander ANY object of your stalkation...

Just please, for the love of all that is bloggy, post a prospective name for my most beloved mysuestories possession.
To catch up on the begining of this sad tale of woe, click here. And post, damn you!

Oh, and dear reader, thanks for reading!

MYSUESTORIES: Mysuestories' Very First Contest!!!

New (and FINAL) winner pick date-----April 17, 2009.

Psst---It's not polite to just lurk in the shadows, you know. I'm just saying!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Chocolate covered Martinis? Almost!

Last week we here at mysuestories manor were fortunate enough to receive a gift fruit basket from Incredible Edibles! ( )

From Party Time

Truly a work of art, no?

Not only was the fruit delicious (especially the chocolate covered apples!), but the card was priceless....It read:

What do you mean they brought fruit? It was supposed to be Vodka!
Dear Friends of mysuestories manor

Anyone can send a fruit basket, but it takes a real friend to know you'd rather have a drink!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Feeding Kids in Today's Economy

Why is it that I can spend $150.00 on groceries at noon, only to be told by my kids that there is nothing to eat by four o'clock?
What is it about food that comes with more than two steps in the directions that immediately scares off anyone who has never had to purchase their own food?
My kids would literally starve to death were it not for Hot Pockets and Chef Boy R Dee. And, coincidentally, those items are generally left off my shopping list (Hey, I said I'd have kids. I didn't promise to feed them at the cost of my going bankrupt!)
Matter of fact, I went out of my way today to purchase items I knew they wouldn't eat! And think of the savings! Instead of jarred spaghetti sauce, I bought canned tomatoes. They won't even know what they're for! Frozen waffles for breakfast? Try buying powdered pancake mix. That one will be in my cabinets for months! Heh.
Want orange juice? There's the oranges right there in the fruit bowl, sitting next to the never to be made apple juice!
Want your cold cuts to last longer? Hide 'em in a quiche! Planning on hoarding that package of bonbons you snuck into the house? Put them under some vegetables. They wouldn't dare to touch those!
Yep, I think I may be on to something here. I don't plan on shopping again until the cabinets are bare. Tee hee.
Oh, and tomorrow night's dinner? Linguine with garlic and oil. Just as soon as one of those kids learns how to use a pasta machine!
Who says having kids is all work and no play? Hah!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Something New at Mysuestories

New little tidbit here at mysuestories!!! Click on "In the Kitchen With The Mountain Man" on the right side bar for new receipes weekly......Feedback and ideas welcome at both mysuestories AND In the Kitchen.....
Oh, and constant reader? If, somehow, the Mountain Man gets more followers than mysuestories? Well, let's just say he'd better hide the Ginsu in his kitchen!!!

Thanks for reading... And cooking!

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Killing Fields

It's a bug's life. Cute movie, no? All those teeny weeny, cutesy little bugs joining forces to overcome the big bad bugs and help each other endure. Heart warming? On the screen, yes. On my kitchen counters? Not so much.

Every spring we get a home invasion from the front lines of the ant hills that lie beyond our home's barriers. It lasts only a week or so. As near as I can figure, these ants are a wee bit ahead of their natural "outside" food sources, so they come to us and all our crumbs to tide them over.

Now, I am usually a most welcoming host to house guests, both invited or not. But I have this uncanny primal urge to squash the shit out of anything daring to crawl across MY kitchen, counters or floors not withstanding. In fact, I have been known to scream "Die, Motherf**ker" while squishing the offending insect.

Now, my most adoring protector and slayer of beasts, (ie: the Mountain Man)gets uncharacteristically nervous upon hearing the words of a heathen warrior spill from mysuestories virginal (All right, readers...a little poetic license here, OK?)-where were we? Ah, yes, the not so virginal bugspeak of mysuestories.... I think the Mountain Man's fear is based largely on the fact that a strange, maniacal grin accompanies my banshee cries as I take the invading insect into my death roll....That, and the fact that I may still carry this urge to kill long after the ants retreat!

Anyway, the Mountain Man thought it best to take the matter of the Killing of the Beasts into his own hands. He ran out to our local bug killing galleria and returned with little bait traps that he strategically placed around the battle front.

These traps promised to lure the ants with a food source filled with poison, which, since ants are such helpful, community oriented little bastards, they would then bring back to their nest (read: battle-bunker)and infect the rest of their little commie comrades.

Well, after a few days of sneaking into my kitchen like Rambo with a knife between his teeth, (although I was armed with a paper towel and PMS...I DID wear a bandanna for effect, though!) I did noticed fewer ants running around my house.

Note: I did not say FEWER ants IN my house. Just fewer ants RUNNING. It appears that the ants invading MY home? They're gluttons, much like the rest of mysuestories manor occupants. Apparently, our combat ants eat themselves into a stupor, and then die before ever sharing the poison with the rest of the ant army back at bunker hill.

Great. Now I've got to purchase enough bait to feed the entire f***ing army, ONE. ANT. AT. A. TIME.

While I'm waiting, I'm honing my Sylvester Stallone attack moves and grunts. Oh, and in case it all goes terribly wrong? I'm learning how to stitch myself up with a boar's hair.

What I want, is what EVERY ant ridden American wants....Is for OUR Country to love us, as much as we love RAID!

Game on.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Mother's Eulogy

Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away"- anonymous

As anyone who knows me, words have always come easy to me, no matter whether the topic was a silly little story of high school hi-jinx written for the Internet, or a goodbye poem for my dear, sweet cousin Bobby when I was so much younger than today. And yet today, I find myself at a loss for words - which for anyone who knows mysuestories, that never happens.
These, the most important words I may ever write, do not come easily. So I will write what I know, what I can hold not just today on paper, but in my heart forever.

My mother was also a woman of many words. I have her to thank for my love of words, although hers may have been a bit different than mine.
For my Mary, those words were of sharing a love for cooking, crafts, and a love for all things that a mother could only share with her first born daughter. For this sister, today is a great loss of a best friend as well as her mother.
For Donna, many of our mother's words sounded like "You're grounded", as both she AND our mother tested the strengths of family ties as they tread through the teen years. Between this sister and Cousin Karen, it's a wonder she didn't skin them alive some summers. And yet, as both she and our mother learned, these tests only strengthened their love for one another.
For me, I have my love of words, of always thinking I know EVERYTHING about anything, and that as the baby of our family, I could do no wrong.
For MY Dad, there were words of love, and the endurance of a marriage that spanned fifty four years together, and I myself never heard an angry word between them. His loss, today, to me is the only thing that hurts more than my own pain as I write this. Theirs is a love I could only hope to achieve (though it's not for lack of trying-- AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING!)

There are memories of smoke filled Bingo rooms, where we would run around like Indians until threatened to be tied to a chair. Memories of how our mother would buy us our own cards, but you couldn't yell BINGO if you won and were under 18 yrs old.
There were bowling league nights with Aunt Ellen and Uncle Eddie, and more importantly, pizza and chips for dinner as we watched them play as we did our homework on hard plastic chairs.
We spent entire summers on the docks in Baldwin, crabbing and snapper fishing. Mary, getting bit on the toe by a huge crab, and my mother helping her to catch that very crab, where they then followed it to Mary's plate to the dinner table that night!

As kids, we never had to look for where our Christmas presents were hidden. We only had to find her list of all the toys she bought for us. It was ALWAYS in the BINGO bag. Where else?

The New Year's Eve parties every year! Daddy would get a stomach ache for three days before. And Mommy and Aunt Evy ringing in the New year clear through to breakfast, which my Dad ALWAYS lovingly cooked and served them! And I can't imagine she was hungry after all night with Aunt Evy, but she ALWAYS ate that breakfast!

It is fitting that we are gathered here in our family's church today, the church that has become a symbol of our family's life, our baptisms, communions, and confirmations, as well as those of my mother's grandchildren. This place, the start of our family life to this, the passage of our mother into the Kingdom of God.

Like the ripples in a pond, the work of one woman can spread out and touch the lives of many others.---Anonymous

Our mother.
She IS that pond. And we, her family, her husband, her three daughters, her six grandchildren....We are the luckiest ripples that ever were.

I LOVE YOU, MOM. You take my breath away.

'Nuff said. Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled mysuestories.
Oh, and that contest? Winner to be chosen April 8th.
As always, constant reader, thanks for stopping by.